It takes a crisis to reveal the true character of situations. The current COVID-19 pandemic, as most crisis, is revealing many, if not most of the inequities, around gender. One of the most striking manifestations of this is directly linked to parenting. The reality is, this pandemic is killing working moms, figuratively and literally.
Truth is, it is digging so deep into our last reserves of resilience and strength, as well as into any of the gender equity advances we’ve managed to make so far, that it may have the potential to set us back decades behind. However, what this current crisis also is, is a loud, stringent wake-up call for working mothers, and everyone else around. A call to re-visit, re-evaluate, not just the modern pressure of 21stcentury parenting, but also the very much contemporary meaning assigned to being a working mom.
Over time, with advances in gender equity and stronger initiatives (and incentives) for equal pay, working mothers have certainly gained some ground, although not enough just yet. However, what we’ve also gained has been the added pressure of living up to the impossibly high standard of “having it all”, even if not at the same time. We can all agree that having and doing it all at the same time, is a surefire recipe for disaster. So we’ve compromised instead on having and doing it all, just not at the same time. More realistic, certainly. Less heavy, probably not.
What it means really at the end of the day is that we’re carrying an ever heavier load, including work, parenting, life and everything in between. We’re just spreading the pie thinner rather than letting it get thicker. Yet, really, is it truly better to be spread thinner, rather than carrying a thicker weight? Aren’t both alternatives just different takes on picking our own “self-made” version of the same lethal poison?
What this pandemic has clearly, and quite harshly, if I may say so myself, shown me is that however you decide to slide the modern working mom pie, it is still too much. It doesn’t matter how many shifts one decides to compartmentalize the various demanding parts of their life and work in, it’s still too much. Too many responsibilities, too many compartments, too much to think about, even at different intervals and times…You can’t just switch off from being a great, present mom, to full-on career beast mode, and then to baking the perfect cake. You’re not a robot, you’re a human being, and yes, you’re pretty amazing but you’re not super-human…
Yes, the pandemic is killing working moms. Yet, it’s not inventing anything new. It’s simply amplifying the imbalance that’s been there for working mothers for quite some time, and the elusive appeal of the “have it all” mentality. It’s uncovered the fallacy of the modern take on gender equity and equality, and removed the mask off of the reality of contemporary motherhood. A reality steeped in profound, staggering, fundamental inequities that more flexibility, increased pay or a shattering of the glass ceiling, only scratch the surface of.
If this pandemic is offering us one saving grace, it is that of realizing that working mothers need more than just occasional help and assistance. They need a complete overhaul of an entire societal foundation anchored in gender inequity. They need for the load to be shared not just equally, but better; for structures and infrastructures, from roads and highways to the justice system, to reflect the needs of working moms and parents; and for organizations to respect the needs of families over profits.
They say it takes a crisis to reveal true character. At the end of the day, this crisis here is a wake-up call, not just for working mothers, but for an entire society, to re-think its ways, its priorities, and its heart.
Fear is real. It creeps up into every aspect of your life and work, paralyzing you and threatening to topple you at every turn. When fear overtakes not just you, but your entire network and community, it now becomes pandemonium.
Times of uncertainty bring fear. They bring about a sense that we’re no longer safe, that threats are everywhere around us, and that we’re left vulnerable and powerless in their wake. They rob us of our inner power to create the change we need in our own lives and others’.
I’ve learnt the only way to beat fear is not to try to beat it. Instead, it is to do it afraid. It is to rob it of its destructive power by doing the very thing we’re afraid to do, by continuing to strive when the temptation is to shrink and give in, to keep pushing through when everything else screams to stop and give in. It doesn’t mean the tightness in your chest will disappear, or the rapid beating of your heart will slow down. It just means you’re choosing to resist instead, leaning in to faith and perseverance to make the seemingly impossible possible.
As a working mom stuck in the middle of a pandemic, fear is everywhere. It’s in the small and large spaces between people at the grocery store. It’s in the media’s loud screams of panic overshadowing the fair and accurate reporting of the news. It’s in the angst of planning for tomorrow, next outing, next school year. It’s embedded in the thoughts, patterns, conversations, emotions awaken by a crisis we know by name but not by heart.
Fighting against this fear is a daily undertaking, one that requires focus and determination at a time when we’re running short of both. Thankfully, it’s a fight we can all learn to become better at:
Acknowledge your fear areas:
For me, it starts with acknowledging where it hurts, those areas where the fear is at its highest. In this current pandemic, most of us fear for our health and lives, and that of our loved ones. Many fear losing their jobs, careers, businesses and sources of income. The heightened level of panic is causing many to sink into deep anxiety and depression, paralyzing them and making them unable to perform in many, if not most, areas of their lives.
Do something every day in your fear areas
What can you do each and every day in your fear area? It could be taking care of your health by exercising daily, inspiring kids to working smarter instead of harder, or looking for a new source of income. It could be finally deciding to write the book or the business plan, facing the outside world (while taking your precautions), have a discussion with your kids, etc…
Practice gratitude
It’s hard to be grateful when you’re afraid. The smallest amount of progress loses its relevance in the face of fear. Yet, practicing gratitude gives you perspective and reminds you of how far you’ve come. It could be journaling for a few minutes a day, through prayer, or simply through quiet reflection. However you choose to do it, it will affect your outlook, motivate you, and beat the fear.
Give yourself grace
Fear doesn’t equal weakness. Nor does hiding one’s fear, especially to oneself, equate strength. Give yourself grace as you confront your own fears, and learn to do it, from the smallest to the biggest things, afraid.
How are you beating fear in these times of pandemic?
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
In great diversity news, Black Enterprise reveals Javicia Leslie is set to be the first Black woman to play Batwoman;
Got an interview coming up? The Glassdoor Blog recommends 5 COVID-19 questions you should ask;
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve taken on a lot over time. A lot of responsibilities, a lot of pressure, a lot of care, and a lot of weight, some mental, some spiritual, and some even physical over time…As time goes, you’re taking on more, doing more, being more, as there are more demands on your time, energy, and life…
You’ve been tirelessly juggling all the balls of your life and work, keeping as many of them as possible in the air at all times, not allowing yourself to drop any. From supporting your family, to acing your career, to maintaining age-old friendships, you’ve been trying to do it all, for way too long…And it’s cost you a lot, too much even, for way too long, from neglecting yourself to being taken for granted, to depleting the last of your very resources…
Yet, did anyone tell you it was OK to let go of some of the balls you’ve been juggling for so long? That not everything on your to-do list has to get done? That the kids will be ok if left to care for themselves for a bit? That your family could actually benefit from you letting go of all this pressure and weight? That the world will still go on, even if you don’t prepare organic meals or miss two appointments in a row…
You’re allowed to let go of the responsibilities that are not adding value to you, your purpose, and your life…
You’re allowed to let go of the beliefs and mindsets that no longer serve you…
You’re allowed to let go of the people who keep asking more and more of you without giving anything in exchange…
You’re allowed to let go of the places that keep swallowing you in their complacency and destructive patterns…
Most importantly, you’re allowed to let go of the guilt of choosing you over anything or anyone threatening your wholeness, your integrity and your purpose…The guilt of caring for yourself, of not being everything to everyone, and of making space for others to grow and learn on their own…
Not only are you allowed to let go, you must learn to do so with the grace, honesty and power you will need to evolve, and forgive yourself for treading new paths and creating new avenues…
There’s a pressure that comes with being the only Black woman in the room. It’s a pressure that is not often talked about, or even known for that matter. Too often, being the only Black woman in the room is equated with such privilege, honor and opportunity, that the weight of it escapes most. It may even initially escape the woman who’s seemingly been granted a position of historical importance, or simply the chance at a peek into some of the rooms reserved for only a fortunate few.
Yet, the reality is what is often seen as an incredible opportunity also bears its weight in unspoken pressure and wrenching duty. The pressure to be worthy, to not just meet but exceed expectations, to set a standard against all standards. But most importantly, the pressure to not FAIL. Because failure is a privilege that is not bestowed upon the Black woman, especially when she stands somewhere, anywhere, as the “only one”, the first, the sole, lone representative of an entire race and gender now leaning over her head like a weighty Damocles sword threatening to fall and destroy her at any moment. It’s an indulgence that no carrier of legacy, especially a legacy as heavy, as costly, as fragile as the Black legacy, can afford.
As a Black woman, you don’t fail in order to learn. You learn in order not to fail. You understand that when you fail, you fail all those who came before you, and all those who are coming after you, looking to step through the same doors you just did. When you fail, it’s as if you denied the sacrifices made on your behalf by generations who could not walk your path. Now that is pressure, a pressure that some, consciously or unconsciously, block out of their already heavy minds, more out of a sense of self-preservation than a desire to shield themselves.
That’s not what we think about as we watch the glamorous photos of these women breaking barriers, going further than their peers have ever been, sitting at the table, building their own tables. We don’t think about the cost, the unfathomable cost, of being the only Black woman in the room…
There is no single way, no best antidote to dealing with it, to paying the high price of opportunity knocking at the Black woman’s door. As complex as the tapestry of humanity, filled with steep contrasts and flat similarities, is the conundrum of lone success for the Black woman. A mix of heightened gratitude and deep guilt. A wave of enthusiasm matched with high winds of discouragement. A proud sense of duty undercut by blades of sharp debt disguised as communal responsibility.
One cannot prepare to being the “only one” in the room. There is no amount of mental preparedness that can really get anyone ready to the level of responsibility and isolation that also come along. What there is, is the renew wed commitment to show up day after day, raising the already impossible bar to higher and higher levels.
What there is, is the will to outwork, outperform, and out-challenge, just in order to survive. The indomitable, often self-destructive, will to keep on going, despite all odds. It’s the same iron will that turns challenges into opportunities, small beginnings into gigantic endings, and lessons into massive improvement. It’s the will that creates diamonds from pressure, extracts precious oil from painful crushing, and leaves a bright trail for all to see..
