Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Typical morning! By the time you roll out of bed, your entire schedule is flashing before your eyes, from getting the kids’ breakfast ready to meeting every deadline for the day. For many, if not most working moms, this is done on a stand-alone basis, with limited, sometimes non-existent, help from their partners.
One of the recurring complaints I keep hearing from working moms through the COVID-19 pandemic is all around the added load and burden of caring for kids and the household, in addition to handling work responsibilities. However, while men have been participating more in household chores, they’ve still been able to achieve much more work than women. Overall, in the work-from-home revolution, women got left behind while the inequities in the home and at work keep being perpetuated. As a matter of fact, Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey reveals mothers are in a critical state of burnout.
How realistic is it for a working woman and working mom to give her all in her career, when the brunt of the home responsibilities falls on her? How many jobs can a working mom do at once, especially during this pandemic, caring for children, elderly parents, the household, all the while breaking herself to keep being employed? What conversations must be had at home and in the workplace to not just assist working women and moms, but actually set them up for success? These are many questions hovering over the surface of the still gigantic gap separating women and men at work. Questions that will probably take a long time to answer, yet that we in the meantime can help address in the home with a few changes:
Have THE equity talk with your partner
This is a conversation that should actually be had before people commit to each other, and frequently thereafter:
How can we handle household responsibilities to preserve a sense of equity?
How can we help each other grow in our purpose?
What are the non-negotiables in terms of equity?
These are just some of the questions that can, and will pop up as you have THE talk.
Set ground rules and boundaries (and stick to them)
Life happens, habits set in, and it can be so easy for the lines between equity and non-equity in the household to be blurred. Hence the importance of setting ground rules and establishing clear boundaries…While each household functions differently, basic ground rules around the distribution of household chores and care is quite common..
Even more important to setting ground rules and boundaries, sticking to them is crucial. It’s one thing to establish a new family pattern, and another one to keep it consistent in the long-run.
Involve the kids
Why do my kids walk straight past their dad to come ask me for a snack and the meaning of life? The reality is, many of the patterns we find in our households, are also internalized and learnt by our kids. This is why it’s so important to involve the kids in equity discussions in the household, as these will teach them much and later impact the way they see gender equity in all areas of their lives.
This may also mean openly assigning various chores and responsibilities irrespective of gender (yes, boys can do dishes and cook while girls take the trash out). Establishing a household atmosphere where equity is the norm goes a long way…
All in all, gender equity starts at home, and has wide repercussions on work and society at large. Beginning the fight at home can make a world of difference…
In this episode, I’m discussing allyship, more specifically how to be an ally to Black women at work. From sponsorship and mentorship, to listening in and learning, allyship is a powerful way to make a difference and contribute to increased inclusiveness and diversity in the workplace.
Thanks for Listening!
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Diversity and inclusion (D&I) has become in recent years one of the most prevalent go-to terms for organizations, institutions and people alike. Very often, it presents itself as a collection of in-house trainings or informational sessions. While most diversity and inclusion initiatives are generally well-meaning, there may be some level of misinformation, status quo, or disconnection that may impair their real effectiveness.
Truth is, while the tone at the top is crucial in setting impactful diversity and inclusion initiatives, everyone within and outside of the organization is responsible for establishing and fostering a culture of inclusiveness and representation. As employees, it is also our responsibility and positive contribution to foster increased diversity and inclusiveness through our work, professional and personal decisions. As business owners, we carry the burden of ensuring that our business’ values, people, and processes embody a spirit of representation for all and further equality and equity for all. As consumers of information and goods, we have the power to pick and choose the companies Doing so can be challenging, however it may start with asking a few necessary questions of the organizations we work in, buy from and are around:
What is the organization’s status in terms of diversity and inclusion?
As we consider the companies we’re part of, consume from or are around, we must also ask ourselves what they look like from the inside. That is, in terms of their culture, people, and processes.
Who are the faces of the company at the management and leadership levels, and do they embody diversity and inclusiveness? Are employees representative of various groups, including minority and under-represented groups? Who makes important decisions at the Board of Directors level? These are just a few questions to begin with…
What outcomes are being worked towards?
It’s one thing to have representation in the leadership and culture of the organization, it’s another to be continuously working towards better outcomes in terms of diversity and inclusion.
Are these part of the strategic plan of the organization? Are managers trained to include desired outcomes in their performance plan? If not, what can be done to begin sooner than later?
How will the culture change to be more diverse and inclusive?
One of the biggest obstacles faced by diversity and inclusion trainings is the very culture of organizations. Unless the company culture is open to equity and equality for all, chances at increasing diversity and inclusion are slim to non-existent.
It begins with asking what the true culture of the organization is. How do employees and management perceive it? What can be done to foster a more diverse and inclusive culture?
Do the leadership and tone at the top value diversity and inclusiveness?
Tone at the top is crucial in influencing the culture and direction of organization. For adequate representation and increased inclusiveness, the leadership and management also have to be on board.
It’s then worthwhile to ask what the tone at the top is. What does the leadership believe in, and envision as the future direction of the company, business or institution? Is diversity as well as inclusiveness one of their priorities?
Are diversity and inclusiveness used or included as metrics in the organization?
You can’t improve what you don’t measure. Improving diversity and inclusiveness then requires measuring it first. To do so, creating and/or implementing adequate metrics is necessary. By including these metrics as a part of the organization’s plans, as well as people’s performance and processes’ evaluation, they not only measurable, but also a solid foundation for growth.
What types of metrics can be implemented? How can these be included in employees’ performance evaluations? How can these be reflected in the organization’s policies and procedures?
Are the appropriate resources available and/or in place?
Keeping organizations accountable for inclusiveness and diversity also means ensuring the appropriate resources, such as training resources, education materials, as well as educators, are available to be used. This also means evaluating current resources (or the lack thereof) for signs of being outdated or inaccurate.
What resources, if any, are currently being used to address diversity and inclusion in the organization? Are these appropriate or need to be updated and/or revised?
Is everyone held accountable for diversity and inclusiveness matters?
Last but not least, is everyone being held accountable in and outside of the organization for diversity and inclusiveness? This means not just management and the leadership, but each and every single employee, customer and stakeholder? The organizations we believe in, consume from and work in, can only do the work of fostering diversity and inclusiveness if we all contribute and actively participate.
Which questions have you been asking of the organizations around you to hold them more accountable in terms of diversity and inclusiveness?
As double minorities, Black women are at the intersection of gender and race when it comes to forms of oppression and discrimination. This is particularly prevalent in the workplace where the pay gap between white women and women of color, including Black, Native-American and Latina women, is the fastest growing, as stated by the Economic Policy Institute. It’s also why it’s important that Black women get adequate support, some of which comes in the form of serving as an ally to Black women at work.
An ally is someone in a position of privilege who supports and acts in solidarity with members of un-represented groups. Allyship in the workplace is powerful as it helps create a company culture fostering a sense of belonging and inclusiveness. However, it is sometimes unclear how best to define allyship in practical terms and what it means when put into action. While there are numerous ways to be an ally to Black women at work, here are 10 ways to act in the way of allyship to Black women at work:
Do your research
There is a lot to understand and a lot of history around the intersectionality of race and gender, as well as that of women’s rights and civil rights. Besides, a lot of revealing information can also be obtained from companies, businesses and institutions’ management and leadership composition in terms of diversity and inclusiveness. Understanding the negative impact of the wage gap for Black women, and how racism and sexism both shortchange working black women, may also require doing some research around it to truly grasp what’s at stake.
Black women’s experience in and outside of the workplace are very unique, if only from their unique positioning at the intersection of gender, race and class. When asked about their experiences in the workplace, they reveal through this Harvard Business Review interview the negative mental effect of being judged on criteria other than their work, having to be unauthentic, or needing a sponsor in order not to be weeded out. For these reasons and so much more, learning directly from Black women’s experiences is crucial for effective allyship in the workplace.
Speaking of sponsors, Black women can greatly benefit from sponsorship in the workplace. As a matter of fact, without having sponsors who can advocate for their promotions, raises and career growth, many may find themselves pushed out or not even selected at all.
Mentoring is instrumental for career growth and development. For women and minorities, especially for Black women, mentoring can be the difference between career success and career stagnation. However, it’s already challenging for women in general, and women of color in particular, to find mentors; which is a reason why serving as a mentor as an ally can make a world of difference.
Increased diversity in organizations and institutions also means hiring more minorities, among which Black women. Advocating for more diversity allows for hiring and retention practices to be improved to include diversity criteria, and create more room for Black women to attain positions of leadership.
One of the reasons why women of color, and Black women in particular, have limited impact in their workplace, is because their voices are often muted. This is where amplifying their voices, by simply highlighting valid points made by Black women during meetings, supporting their ideas, and pointing out instances where they are ignored and muted, has the power of creating a more inclusive and diverse culture.
Speak up about injustices
Ignoring injustices is contributing to their perpetuation. Keeping silent in the face of discrimination and oppression of any kind equates to condoning the latter. The power of allyship is exactly in using privilege to create change by first acknowledging the injustices that are requiring all of us to alter the structures, organizations and mindsets around.
Join organizations and trainings promoting diversity and inclusiveness
Organizations and trainings promoting diversity and inclusiveness also offer the opportunity to have constructive conversations, ideas and thoughts about how to serve as effective allies to Black women, and under-represented groups in general, in and outside of work. Some of these organizations include company employee groups for instance.
Contribute financially to organizations committed to helping Black women progress
There are many organizations committed to providing help and assistance to Black women in certain industries and fields. For instance, the National Coalition of 100 Black women, assists Black women in the areas of health, economic empowerment and education. Another example is the Black Career Women’s Network, that is dedicated to closing the gap of support in Professional development, mentoring and leadership access for Black women. By supporting these organizations as an ally, you also contribute to change.
Contribute to changing and/or creating new policies
Last but not least, one of the most lasting impacts of allyship is to change the foundation of organizations and institutions through policy creation and change. Whether it’s at the governmental level, or at the organizational level, contributing to positive policy creation and/or change can go a long way towards opening the door to much deserved opportunities for Black women at work.
