Have you ever found yourself self-sabotaging, whether consciously or unconsciously? Whether it’s by procrastinating, delaying the inevitable, or betraying ourselves by accepting what we don’t want, we, as working women, can unfortunately contribute to self-sabotage.
It wasn’t until I started looking into some of my worst habits that I started asking myself about my own self-sabotaging tendencies. These would usually manifest before an important event or deadline.
Here are 10 ways that self-sabotage can manifest itself for working women:
You’re not thinking big enough
How often do you use the word “little” do you describe characteristics about yourself or your achievements? You may not be thinking big enough, keeping yourself and your accomplishments small, so as not to make yourself or others uncomfortable.
You worry too much
Do you anticipate all the possible negative scenarios in a situation before they’ve even happened? Are you already imagining all the issues that may come with a particular project or endeavor? Worrying too much may also be a way of sabotaging ourselves and our work.
You misunderstand yourself
Do you really know what your true strengths and limitations are? Or do you tend to assess your strengths in a limited manner, and not to have a clear picture of the areas where you could stand to improve? Having the wrong idea about yourself can literally rob you of a clear perception of your abilities and weaknesses, and drive you to sabotage yourself as well.
You don’t set appropriate boundaries
How many times have you said “yes” when you truly meant “no”? How often do you find yourself in inconvenient, unnerving situations you don’t deserve and are not beneficial to you because you failed to set proper boundaries. As women with strong nurturing instincts and communal tendencies, setting appropriate boundaries can be challenging. Yet with enough practice and self-work, it can become a positive habit over time.
You don’t assert yourself
What do you really want? What are your true desires, at work and in life? Do you dare to speak these out loud and assert yourself, or are you used to shrinking and making yourself small not to rock the boat? Not asserting ourselves as working women, is also a subtle way of casting a sabotaging shadow on our careers and lives. To change this, it takes to assess what we really desire first, and work at honoring ourselves by authentically expressing these and striving towards them unapologetically.
You’re too busy
Is your to-do list too long to even begin with? Do you fill up every minute of your time with something to do? Are you questioning how busy you are, and how productive your schedule really is?
If so, chances are, you’re crowding your time with too many activities in a subconscious attempt at not focusing on what truly matters. So many of us, as working women and moms, are incredibly busy. Yet, we find ourselves depleted and unfulfilled, precisely because busyness has become yet another way of sabotaging ourselves.
You don’t communicate your needs
Are you in charge of all the aspects of your household, your work and your relationships? Do you sometimes wonder why others are not helping you? Do you hesitate to ask for help? If so, you may be stopping yourself from communicating your needs in an authentic and effective manner. Repressing your needs is also another self-sabotage mechanism, that drives you to take on too much, grow resentful and miss out on being the person you’re truly meant to be and focusing on what matters most.
You isolate yourself
How much of a supportive network do you have? Do you find yourself alone and isolated as you push others away? Do you decline offers of help or invitations to network or build relationships? If so, you may be sticking yourself in a corner, out of fear of letting others in to help, assist or support you. This may keep you from striving effectively towards your goals, sabotaging your efforts in the process.
You procrastinate
Procrastinate much? If you find yourself putting off tasks until the last minute, delaying important projects, or being easily distracted, you may use procrastination as an unconscious, or conscious excuse not to accomplish your objectives.
You don’t pay it forward
Do you usually empower other women? Or do you fall victim of self-inflicted jealousy wounds when other women around you win? Do you often compete instead of collaborating with other women? These may be signs that you may be hoarding your own resources, and fiercely refusing to share the support, motivation and empowerment you may receive or need. Whatever you don’t give out of, you end up running out of yourself. This is also self-sabotage. So pay it forward…
What signs above are you witnessing in your career and work?
Have you ever put off an important task until the last minute without understanding why you were even procrastinating this much? Have you been struggling with getting much done, especially when working from home? Are you quick to give in to the temptation to be distracted rather than accomplishing a task?
I know, I’ve been, and sometimes still are, there…And so are countless women, who have been proven to be genetically more prone to procrastination, according to this 2014 study. Apparently, the female sex estrogen appears to play a role in the inter-dependency between gender, more specifically the female gender, and procrastination. In addition, working women and moms tend to wear so many hats, both on the office and the home front, that procrastinating may be a result of the resulting stress. This is all the more prevalent as stress has been directly linked to procrastinating habits. An additional study on the relationship between motivation, fear and procrastination among working women found that decreases in motivation, result in increases in working women’s fear of failure and procrastination.
Other reasons explaining procrastination include lack of self-compassion, trouble with negative moods, or avoiding the task at hand, to cite a few. For women, it may also have to do with self-doubt, and the mental pull to under-achieve as a way to be more accepted socially. What procrastination is not necessarily, is a reflection of poor time management,which it tends to usually be blamed for.
I’ve dealt with procrastination long enough to know all about the temporary sense of relief it brings at first, which is quickly replaced by disappointment and anxiety. As a matter of fact, people who tend to delay tasks until the last minute have also been shown to suffer from more acute levels of depression, anxiety and stress, according to this 2016 study. I used to beat myself up for putting off often smaller tasks for later, and then stressing out in the wee hours of the day before a deadline. Yet, what history and research show is that procrastinators are not necessarily lazy people. Actually, some of the greatest of this world, from Jane Austen to one of my favorites, Nancy Pelosi, are self-proclaimed procrastinators, as revealed in the book “The Art of Procrastination: A Guide to Effective Dawdling, Lollygagging and Postponing” by John Perry.
So now that we know that procrastination can come from so many different sources, and we can relax that it’s not a sign of laziness, what can we do about it, especially as over-burdened, often over-taxed working women?
Work on building your confidence up
Most of the working women I know who are struggling with procrastination also struggle with self-doubt, despite being some of the most competent and extraordinarily gifted women I know. Building your confidence up will help you have the courage to tackle seemingly unattanable or intimidating tasks.
Start with the hard stuff…
When faced with the hard and easy, start with the hard stuff. Getting done with a challenging task at the onset will give you the confidence and stamina to keep plowing through your to-do list.
But begin with the simplest part
Yet even when you begin the hard stuff, pick the easiest part of it. Maybe it’s answering related emails quickly, or formatting a document before digging into the specifics of the assignment. Whatever it is, allow yourself some time to work yourself up to the task.
Get some accountability
Nothing like being accountable to a few trusted individuals…Share your goals with your team, or well-selected friends or colleagues who can hold you accountable and can stay on top of you to meet your deadline or complete planned milestones.
Skip multi-tasking
Multi-tasking is the anti-thesis to productivity, and certainly a pretty potent ally to procrastination. The more you try to handle all at once, the more overwhelmed you may get, and the more you may be tempted to procrastinate.
Let it be imperfect
Perfectionist alert! As a recovering perfectionist, I know all too well about the agony of wanting to get a task completed to perfection. The more you strive towards perfection, the longer you may want to delay submitting or completing it, for fear you may miss something. Let it go, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be done!
Use the power of reward
Last but not least, don’t forget to give yourself something to look forward to as a reward for beating your own procrastination. Whether it’s a special treat, some relaxation time, or just acknowledging that you made it, don’t forget to celebrate!
How do you beat procrastination as a working woman?
Have you ever thought of being successful and then got scared of it all at once? Does the prospect of success fill you with both excitement and dread? Do you look at other successful women wondering what it would feel like to reach your dreams but not quite daring to dream that big?
If you’ve nodded while reading any of the above questions, you’re not alone. As a matter of fact, you’re probably joining the ranks of a majority of brilliant, competent, working women who work hard to make it, yet are well…terrified of succeeding. Counter-intuitive much?
In her famous doctoral studies, Dr. Matina Horner showed the astounding impact of the fear of success on women’s careers (Horner, 1972). Horner describes the motive to avoid success for women within the expectancy-value theory of motivation, as the social stereotype according to which independence, competence, intellectual achievement and competence are viewed as positively related to masculinity and not femininity. As such, there is an expectancy that achievement-related success will arouse negative outcomes for women.
Fear of success is one of the psychological factors that most affects women’s career development (Komalasari, Supartha, Rahyuda, & Dewi, 2017), and discourages them from going after achievements and opportunities. This fear of success in women has been demonstrated in numerous studies (Hoffman, 1974), showing how the threat of affiliative loss affects women’s motivation and attainment of goals. This fear of success is even more acute in non-gender appropriate conditions, such as in professions typically reserved for men (Cherry & Deaux, 1978).
For so many women, success is appealing, yet terrifying. It simultaneously crowns their efforts with both the recognition finally deserved, and the negative perceptions, often leading to rejection and communal disempowerment so feared by women, precisely because of their nurturing and community-oriented nature. This fear manifests itself in commonly known yet not as often suspected forms such as procrastination or self-sabotage.
So how do you fight this so often inherent fear of success as a working woman? Frankly speaking, it’s easier said than done. The fear of success is often ingrained in women as early as in their childhood, along with societal and communal expectations of who and what a woman should be and do. Pushing past these expectations and the related mindsets and self-destructing behaviors requires an intentional decision and journey into understanding oneself, and making peace with one’s purpose and personal path.
If this is a journey you’ve been thinking about, or are currently on, here are a few tips to get you started or to continue on your way to ridding yourself of the fear of being successful:
Change your mind!
Literally! After years of social conditioning and messages all around us about the place and role of women, we seldom realize how much we tend to work against ourselves. Changing your mind to embrace your true desires has to become a constant process of identifying your own negative and self-defeating patterns, and replace them with positive ones.
Normalize defining success on your own terms
What is success, really? My favorite quote about success is from Dr. Maya Angelou: “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” After years of subscribing to other well-intentioned people’s definition of success, it took me a long while to discover what success truly meant for me. Once I did, I was no longer afraid of someone else’s ethereal, impersonal definition of success. Rather, I started feeling emboldened to bring my own vision of success to life.
Practice being unapologetic about what you want
I used to want to apologize for literally taking space, as if my achieving anything made me indebted to others. With the guilt of achievement, often comes the urge to apologize for simply being there. It takes the conscious realization of this, as well as the intentional decision to refrain from being apologetic about what you want.
Grieve the loss of prior expectations
However, with normalizing success as a working woman, also comes the death of prior expectations from society. These are usually communal expectations of what a “feminine” woman looks like, that have been deeply embedded in the collective psyche over time, such as “girls should be seen and not heard”, or that female success equates the loss of all femininity and societal acceptance. These are also expectations that at some point or another, you may have carried with you, and that you must now allow yourself to grieve.
Commit to your own personal journey of growth
Last but not least, fighting the fear of success and building confidence as a working woman is not an overnight affair. It’s the journey of a lifetime, one that requires commitment, devotion and most importantly, the blood and sweat of your legacy.
Are you afraid of achieving success as a working woman?
Welcome to our periodic letter to working moms everywhere, saluting their courage, resilience and beauty…
Dear Working Mom,
2020 certainly tried it, what with remote learning, job losses mostly impacting women, women-owned small businesses in peril, and a global health and race crisis wreaking havoc on the planet…You’ve had to put your goals aside, focusing instead on keeping your family safe, homeschooling your kids, and creating a decent space for your loved ones to live, work and study in together….From one day to the other, you were stripped of the very security and foundation you had in a stable society, a secure career, good health, and thrown into the uncertainty of an unknown disease, a crumbling economy, racial unrest, and most of all, a heart-wrenchingly worrisome outlook for your children…
You’ve had to un-learn your old normal, and learn to navigate an unpredictable tomorrow. Zoom calls have become your new day-to-day, and exhaustion the price of making the “unworkable” work for everyone else, often forgetting yourself in the process. You’ve had to carry the weight of racial unrest and political tension, without the support of friends and family you’ve had to stay away from for the sake of mutual protection. You’ve watched some of your relationships crumble, revealing the harsh pull of distance and time, as you’ve coped with maintaining some sanity and peace in and around you…
Yet, you’ve made it! You’ve closed yet another year, albeit maybe one of the most challenging thus far. Despite still facing much uncertainty, you’ve managed to start anew, renewing your hope, starting from experience and hard lessons learned…
While this year may not bring back much of a sense of normalcy, as we knew it, it may spell a new beginning towards a stronger, more resilient, more flexible and adaptable you. Maybe the old normal was not working, as it was, what with our over-burdened schedules and chronic exhaustion. And maybe what we’re after is not really a new normal, with new incongruencies and excesses of its own.
Maybe what 2021 is offering us, is the opportunity, after surviving 2020, to thrive by re-inventing the processes, systems, and norms that held us captive before.
Re-invent the type of care we give ourselves and others.
Re-invent the way we work and define success.
Re-invent the thought patterns that made us who we are.
Re-invent the way we mother and nurture our families.
Re-invent the space we ought to take in the different spaces of our lives.
Re-invent the relationships that define us.
Re-invent the way we accomplish our purpose and reach our goals.
Re-invent the way we choose to live.
Dear Working Mom,
2020 tried it, and you survived it. Now it’s time to thrive…
2020 has been the year of lessons for small businesses worldwide. Women-owned small businesses in particular, have been especially impacted. From the challenge of work-life balance arising from household and childcare responsibilities being shifted to women, to navigating current times and challenges to adapt their business model to the new economy, many women small business owners have been struggling to say the least.
Despite advances made by and for women business leaders, including the 1988 Women’s Business Ownership Act promoting female entrepreneurs, and the nearly 13 millions women-owned small businesses employing 9.4 millions individuals and earning $1.3 trillion in revenue, there is still a lot of progress to be made. The pandemic has taken some of this progress away, instead penalizing women for owning businesses.
A business is an endless source of learning and applied lessons. As contexts and business environements change, as they certainly did in 2020, so are small business owners expected to learn new trends, new concepts, and new ways of doing business. This is even more important for women-owned businesses that are more at a risk of not surviving than others.
Know your business inside out.
Do you really know your business, from your vendors to your customer base and cash flow? Many small businesses fail to survive or stay stagnant because of a basic lack of understanding of the business itself. While you don’t have to be an expert in all areas of your business, you should understand it well enough.
Focus your business.
An unfocused business is a business at greater risk. The more you can focus your business, from streamlining your operations to simplifying your offerings, the more you can control your business and the quicker you can adapt to change.
Plan for childcare.
As a woman business owner, you may have to deal with the responsibility of childcare, along with running your business. Whereas before, your life and business could have been running somewhat smoothly together, now they are blended more than ever. Planning for childcare in a way that allows you to be the best mother and the best business owner you can be, is a priority.
Mind your cash flow.
Most businesses fail because of poor cash flow management. Women-owned businesses are no exception. A cash-poor business is a business that is limited and unable to expand. Make it a point to manage your cash flow, and work to increase it so you have access to additional resources in times of economic strain.
Explore new streams of income.
A successful business is a business with multiple options to create income. This doesn’t mean that you need a gazillion product or service offerings. However, it implies being able to maximize your current products and services so as to create multiple streams of income that can prove helpful in times of crisis.
Mind your costs.
Along with managing your cash flow, you must also make managing your costs a priority. Where can you cut costs in an efficient manner? How can you consolidate some of your costs? These are questions you must periodically ask yourself in order to run a lean and efficient business that can survive and thrive in times of crisis.
Have an emergency plan.
Do you have a contingency plan in case of emergency? Do you have business savings you can potentially dip into when the going gets tough? Due to lack of funding and financial precariousness, many women-owned businesses may not have the necessary emergency structure to help them navigate difficult times. This is a reminder to invest in emergency plans and savings in your business.
Get online: you MUST have a website.
The 2020 pandemic has shifted most businesses to their online platform and offerings as a way to survive at a time when in-person contact was prohibited. This has emphasized the importance of having and developing an online presence as a business.
Diversify payment options.
How can your customers reward you for your products and services? When in-person contact is out of the question, can your business still receive revenue in different forms? Diversifying your payment options, through online and remote alternatives mostly, can also help your business make it through challenging times.
Invest in mentors.
As women-owned businesses face more challenges, especially as related to funding and growth opportunities, than men-owned businesses, having expert guidance can tremendously help. Investing in mentors in and outside of your industry and business type can help you get to the next level, and address challenges and obstacles in a more focused and informed manner.
Focus on hiring and retaining employees.
The 2020 crisis has seen an unprecedented rise in unemployment, which has contributed in weakening businesses at an alarming rate. Hiring and retaining employees has thus proven to be one of the greatest challenges brought on by the pandemic. Yet, it is also one of the greatest business needs faced by small businesses.
Learn about financing options.
While women have historically been at a disadvantage when it comes to business financing and funding, there have been increased efforts to grow and develop resources to fill this gap. Make it a point to learn as much as possible about financing options and prepare your business to avail yourself of these.
Create a flexible business structure
A heavy, clunky business structure is also one that doesn’t lend itself to change and growth. Whether it’s around your operations, your personnel, or your finances, ensuring that you can be flexible in case of change, or even worse, crisis, can help you maintain and grow your business over time.
Embrace innovation.
Necessity is truly the mother of invention. When you need to create something out of nothing in your business, and to remedy the lack of resources and results as experienced during the pandemic, you need to innovate. Embrace doing things in a different, still efficient manner, rather than being attached to the same processes and outcomes.
Prioritize relationships.
Business is done through relationships. Being away from each other during this pandemic has reinforced this notion, confirming that businesses really suffer in the absence of concrete, healthy relationships.
Charge what you’re worth.
Women are notorious for not charging what they’re worth, be it through salary or business negotiations. The feminine instinct to help, coupled with a disadvantageous lack of confidence, keep us from truly maximizing our gifts and talents and asking for what we are truly worth. This is also what keeps us from building successful and sustainable businesses, amplifying the impact of crisis like the 2020 pandemic.
Prepare to deal with uncertainty.
Uncertainty is par for the course when it comes to business and life in general, as we’ve seen in 2020. Part of building a great business is also building a foundation that can survive in times of uncertainty and change, through flexibility, adaptability and innovation.
Do it now or never.
Time is not promised to us. Neither is the possibility of starting and running a powerful business. Many women fall prey to insecurity and lack of confidence, foregoing their chances to build the business of their dreams. Don’t be one.
Technology is your friend.
Last but not least, 2020 has shown us all the incredible power of technology in times of crisis. This is a power that as women small business owners, we must learn to harness and use to our advantage to not only bridge the female entrepreneurial gap, but thrive through it.
What other lessons have you learnt as a woman small business owner?
