I remember being in mind-boggling traffic the day before Christmas, with still quite a few gifts left to get on my list, exhausted as could be. The year before, I had promised myself not to get to this point of exhaustion and overwhelm again during the holidays. Yet here I was, mentally calculating how to magically fit in the rest of my Christmas shopping, a quickie shower, and the Christmas service at church, not to mention wrapping the rest of the gifts before the clock struck midnight. Can you relate?
If you’ve ever been in my shoes, you know year-end is a notoriously busy time for working moms. Between holiday preparations, year-end work deadlines, and childcare challenges, most working mothers are exhausted around the holidays. According to a 2006 study by the American Psychological Association (APA), the holidays have a negative impact on women, many of whom are largely responsible for year-end celebrations. A 2024 TODAY survey confirms mothers bear the brunt of holiday preparations 97% of the time. Hence the holiday mental load experienced by so many working mothers…
This is also why year-end is one of the most opportune times to reflect on ways to lessen this mental load and avoid burnout. If like myself, you’ve experienced exhaustion and overwhelm during the last weeks of the year, you may have taken it as a wake-up call. I know I surely have…
Here are the three principles I’ve landed on as part of my year-end reflection as a working mom:
More than at any other time during the year, the flurry of to-do’s, events, commitments and obligations to attend to during the holidays requires prioritizing. What is most important? What can be delegated, postponed or eliminated? These are a few of the questions that must become pivotal in any working mom’s life to avoid constant chaos and make sanity a priority.
Less is More!
If there ever were a motto to modern motherhood, it would be: “less is more”. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned over time that the only medal there is for trying to do all the things as a working mom is that of exhaustion and overwhelm. And there is no better time than the holidays to realize this harsh reality.
For me, year-end is the perfect time to reflect on and practice streamlining my to-do list as a working mom. From building systems to using the power of automation, and lessening my commitments, finding ways to reduce the load as a working mom is an important part of my year-end reflection and planning.
Set clear boundaries!
Last but certainly not least, year-end holidays are a harsh reminder of the power of boundaries (or the lack thereof). During a season where demands, commitments and deadlines rear their demanding heads at every corner, boundaries are essential. As a working mom who’s struggled with setting boundaries, especially during the holidays, I know the dear price to pay for a boundary-less life.
An important part of my year-end reflection focuses on setting up better boundaries with each passing year. From limiting my year-end engagements, to communicating personal and professional boundaries more effectively at work, giving myself some margin during the holidays has become a non-negotiable. In turn, this allows me to further reflect on and plan stronger boundaries in all areas of my personal and professional life.
Over the years, applying these principles has radically transformed the way I approach the holidays and plan for the new year. Although I still have ways to go, I’ve gotten better at prioritizing what really matters, streamlining the insane amount of year-end commitments and deadlines, and setting stronger personal and professional boundaries. In turn, this has allowed me to reclaim my time, and go from constantly exhausted to empowered to thrive instead of just surviving the various seasons of my life and career.
I hope this year-end is also a fresh opportunity for you to reflect on being less of an exhausted working mom, and more of an empowered, and rested, mother.
How are you going from exhausted to empowered in the New Year?
In this episode, I discuss 4 gender biases to look out for in your performance review as a working woman and mom at work. These biases include:
the language bias
the visibility bias
the proximity bias
the ingroup bias
Listen in for more awareness around these biases!
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As one of the only women at work, I used to dread performance review time, especially at year-end. Although I was supposed to know what to expect, it was most often a somewhat unclear, hence stressful experience. However, the more I’ve grown personally and professionally, I’ve learned there is so much more to performance reviews than meets the eye, especially for women. The reality is, performance reviews are riddled with gender biases. Being aware of and understanding these can help in proactively addressing and dismantling these.
Here are 4 types of gender biases to look out for as a woman at work:
Language bias
Research shows there exists a language bias to performance reviews. Stanford Graduate School of Business professor of organizational behavior Shelley J. Correll co-authored a 2020 study which coded the performance review language used by employees at a Fortune 500 company. The study found that based on the gender of the employee, managers tend to perceive the same or similar behaviors differently. This is akin to “gender policing” whereby women are judged differently for engaging in the same behavior as men, experiencing a backlash when they do not fall within gender norms. More specifically, significant biases were found in the evaluations of people’s personalities, potential and exceptionalism. This is mostly due to ill-defined performance review protocols and processes which give way to this bias.
Visibility Bias
Due to innate gender differences between men and women, women are more apt to favor skills such as communication and collaboration than men. Women may spend more time and effort on less visible tasks, such as organizing team events or ensuring team cohesion. Linked In’s 2023 report on global differences in skills shows women hold more soft skills than men, at a rate of 13.6% for women vs. 10.6% of skills for men. Men on the other hand, also due to these innate gender differences, may focus on more income-earning skills, which may be applied in more visible roles. Data shows higher shares of disruptive tech skills for men than women, for instance. These may include tasks such as leading meetings or speaking at conferences.
Because highly visible tasks are easier to measure and quantify in terms of organizational impact and benefit, they tend to rank higher on performance evaluations. Meanwhile, less visible ones may fall to the bottom of the performance evaluation scale. Much of this lends itself to a dangerous bias, and is mostly due to the lack of or poor setting of individualized goals.
Proximity bias
If you’ve ever been in a team setting, you may have noted this bias. The proximity bias favors people who are in proximity, as it is assumed that those in close proximity do more work or more important work. This is especially relevant since the pandemic as remote work appears to help keep more women, especially working moms, in the work force. According to a 2023 Hamilton Project Report, 70.4% of moms with kids under the age of 5 were in the workforce, which constitutes an all-time high record.
However, as more working women and moms may work remotely, they may also fall victim to this proximity bias. Not being present in the office as much as their male counterparts, who may benefit from their partners’ support at home, may penalize women and moms at a larger scale.
Ingroup Bias
Ingroup bias is the tendency to favor those who are members of one’s groups over those who may be perceived as not belonging. This may particularly impact working women and moms who may not be seen as belonging to male-dominated industries, companies or groups. This can also significantly affect women and moms working remotely.
While both men and women can be victims of this bias, women may be more at risk due to the already existing gender biases against women. As men tend to be seen more as leaders, they may indirectly benefit from this.
Recognizing and addressing these biases is crucial in improving the outcome of performance reviews. Some ways to address these include, but may not be limited to, improving the performance review process and protocols, educating managers on these biases, and proactively seeking more actionable feedback.
Have you encountered any of these performance review biases as a woman at work?
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just left a well-paying job with benefits, with no backup plan other than following my purpose. With two young children, a mortgage and bills shared with my husband, I took the most dangerous leap of faith I could have ever imagined. For the career-conscious, the ambitious, the money-conscious accountant I was, it was so out of character…And it was, well, so ungrateful of me…
How could I be so ungrateful as to leave behind everything I ought to have been thankful for? How could I walk away from a decent job when so many were in need of one? These questions kept swirling in my mind, as I contemplated my decision to walk away and chart a different path for my career and life…Although I was certainly grateful for the many privileges afforded me as a young, educated working woman and mom, there was something else lurking beneath the surface…Something more, something purposeful, that I could not quite yet put my finger on, or even verbalize at the time. It was an itch I had to scratch, a call that forced me to step into the unknown, at the risk of looking ungrateful…Yet I kept feeling like aspiring to something different than what I had was lacking in gratitude…
As women and moms, we’re socialized to be grateful. To show endless gratitude for all we’re privileged to have, from a husband, to children, a career or financial stability. After all, gratitude does have its benefits, fromimproving our health, to gaining a psychological edge in life, building stronger relationships, and increasing productivity and career success. Giving thanks can literally save our lives and propel us forward…For women, it’s even been linked to developing a more body-positive image. However, it can also turn into a golden prison weaponized and collectively weaponized against women…
This golden prison is also known as the “gratitude trap”. It’s this endless pit of constantly feeling like we have to be so grateful for everything that in turn we end up shrinking and apologizing for taking space. From the home to the office, we shrink in the name of misplaced, excessive gratitude, making ourselves small enough to be palatable, to accommodate others and make up for the space we ought to proudly fill. At work, we feel like we should be so grateful for having a job, for every promotion, every hard-earned success. At home, we ought to feel so much gratitude for the husband, the kids, the home, that we accept to crumble under the mountain of work that falls on our shoulders and the struggle to juggle it all. In the name of gratitude, we may continuously fade in the background, erase ourselves, over-accommodate others while often neglecting ourselves and apologizing for our very existence.
How many times do we see women at work saying sorry, in meetings, over email and in personal interactions? How many times do we feel like we have to over-compensate for our successes by shrinking and bending over backwards for others? How many times do we hear when we dare to utter a single complaint, that we have much to be grateful for? And how many times are we reminded by society that we’ve come a long way, and should be grateful for it?
This is the diminishing side of gratitude, the reductive, the shrinking, the shame-filled side, that we don’t talk about enough. This is the other edge, the sharp, cutting edge of an otherwise beneficial practice that we too often silence, for fear of staining its immaculate perception. Yet, it is a side we need to bring out in the light, if we are to rid ourselves of the shame and guilt of desiring more or wanting something different.
So what are we to do to keep from getting swallowed by the “gratitude trap” as working women and moms? Do we ditch gratitude altogether? Do we continue to allow ourselves to be so thankful that we keep shrinking? After too many years of misunderstanding and misusing gratitude, I’ve come to a few guiding principles as a working woman and mom:
From fixed to growth mindset: Changing our mindset about gratitude!
Like so many, I used to think being grateful also meant refraining from wanting something different or aspiring to better or more. This was a reductive mindset about gratitude, akin to the fixed mindset. Excessive gratitude would then put a ceiling on my abilities, achievements and progress. Instead, I now choose to think of gratitude in a more expansive way. Because I’m grateful for how far I’ve come, and for every ounce of goodness and privilege in my life, I give myself permission to be grateful in advance for future blessings. I choose to think of gratitude as a multiplier, rather than as a ceiling. This is the growth mindset applied to gratitude.
Using gratitude as a fuel
Whenever I think of all I’m grateful for, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and the many obstacles I’ve been fortunate to overcome, the people in my life and on my path, and the spaces, situations and circumstances that have brought me to this point.
Choosing to see gratitude as a sign of progress and evolution also allows me to use it as fuel for future progress.
Documenting our gratitude journey and using it to motivate others
Gratitude is best when shared with others. Not only can it benefit us then, but it can also benefit others, motivating them to go after their own purpose and dreams. By freeing others to see what is possible through gratitude, we also free ourselves from the trap of limiting gratitude.
So, yes, even as I am deeply grateful to even be writing these words, it’s no longer out of a sense of gratitude that traps and limits me. As you tap into your own sense of gratitude, I hope you use it to fuel yourself, motivate others and transcend any undue limit every imposed on you.
The letter came in the mail a couple of days before I even got a chance to open it. It was a routine mammogram I thought nothing of, like most of the other mammograms I had done before. Except this one was a tad different…
The word “abnormal” jumped at me from the page, obscuring the remainder of the letter. I was being called in for a diagnostic mammogram due to an abnormality in one of my breasts. My heart dropped, my mind started racing, the ground suddenly did not feel as quite as firm…I grabbed my phone and started googling “abnormal mammogram”. The results were dizzying in their abundance and gravity…I felt around for the closest chair and sat down…
If you’ve ever received a similar or the same letter or phone call alerting you of a mammogram abnormality, you may well understand how I felt. The gut-wrenching feeling, the drop in your chest, the wobble in your shaky legs…
While abnormal mammogram notifications can be associated with numerous factors, a prevalent one for women over 40 is breast density. It certainly was in my case, and is in that of countless women.
But first what is even breast density?
Dense breasts are simply breasts that have more breast and connective tissue, which is denser than fat. Figure 1 below illustrates various levels of breast density.
Figure 1.
According to the Susan G. Komen website, “about 50 to 60% of women over the age of 40 in the United States have dense breasts”. These statistics decrease significantly for women ages 70-74, with only 20 to 30% of the latter exhibiting signs of breast density. It’s important to note that breast density is not based on weight, as 50 to 60% of women with healthy weights also have dense breasts, in contrast to 20 to 30% of obese women. Breast density can be affected by medications containing hormones, such as menopausal hormone therapy (MHT) and breast cancer treatment medication tamoxifen.
Why does breast density matter so much when it comes to breast cancer?
Due to the heightened breast cancer risk associated with breast density, it is recommended to supplement routine mammograms with additional screenings such as ultrasounds. However, there are yet no specific screening guidelines or recommendations for additional screenings. Lowering breast density also doesn’t necessarily result in the risk of breast cancer decreasing.
So the next time you receive a notification letter after a mammogram, please check for the included breast density assessment. Make sure to speak to your provider about additional screening options and ways of lowering the risk of breast cancer. Most importantly, and while it’s easier said than done, do not panic! Most women with dense breasts end up having to undergo additional breast screenings to rule out any abnormalities.
As for me, going through additional diagnostic screening allowed me to learn and share more information around breast density. As I thank God that all is well, I’m also fully aware that every day is a blessing, and that this fight against breast cancer is our collective fight.
