Generally, this may sound like a kind compliment, especially as niceness and warmth is often traditionally expected of women. However, in the workplace, it can have a different meaning, one that may disregard or downgrade the perception of working women and mom’s competence, thus preventing them from ascending to positions of leadership.
So are women too nice to lead? Or rather, should warmth and friendliness be so readily associated with lack of competence on the part of women? Certainly not. However, the reality is that it does. As working women, being aware of this biased reality is the first step to fight against it. Over time, this realization has made many professional women adopt more masculine behaviors and attitudes in the workplace, in an attempt to dispel this stereotype and perception. Yet, what we’re coming to realize is that these qualities, falsely labeled as “soft skills”, are actually critically needed in the workplace.
As such, here are 3 tips for women who may be considered too nice to lead:
Don’t give up on warmth and kindness…
The temptation for many working women and moms faced with the pressure of patriarchal professional environments, is to give up on warmth, kindness and nurturing qualities such as compassion and empathy. Or at least to hide them away as much as possible, from their facial expressions to their speech and even their way of dressing…Even as so -called “soft skills” such as social skills, critical thinking, teamwork and interpersonal skills, just to cite a few, are in higher demand than ever, there are still negative biases associated with women displaying kindness and warmth in the workplace.
However, denying these interpersonal skills is a surefire way to let go of being authentic at work and in life in general. Leadership, true, genuine, and most importantly, effective leadership, requires unapologetic authenticity. And leading like a powerful woman is first and foremost leading authentically, which means embracing and sharing the power of compassion, warmth and kindness.
Focus on impact not appearance
Instead of focusing on the appearance of leadership and success, much of which is largely determined by patriarchal stereotypes and parameters, focusing on impact can make a real difference. And true, effective impact is achieved through authenticity. Bringing all of who you are to work and life in general may not be popular at first, however it will create long-lasting, effective impact.
What kind of impact can you create by being just yourself, instead of denying parts of your identity? Who can you help? How can you generate results for your organization by being exactly who you are?
Use the power of data
Measuring impact also means using the power of data to do so. Very often, women’s achievements are downplayed because they are not measured. Much of the labor of working women and moms goes unnoticed and discounted for lack of reliable and measurable data to document it. Even when the data is present, the documentation part tends to sorely be lacking.
What metrics can you set in your group, department or organization to measure your impact? Can you set processes and systems to consistently document all aspects of your performance? Most importantly, can you build the habit to share this data?
All in all, the niceness stigma for working women and moms, while being a pervasive bias, is one that can be demystified through awareness, unapologetic authenticity and action through data and documentation. There is no shame in bringing warmth, compassion, kindness and other similar positive interpersonal attributes to the table of work. To the very contrary, these are powerful assets for individuals, groups and organizations alike. Instead of fighting these to better fit into a falsely effective patriarchal mold, embracing them and showing up as a genuine leader, while measuring impact through data and documentation, is key to powerfully leading like a woman.
“ Will you be able to resume your functions after baby?”
“ Are you able to effectively work from home with your children?”
“Shouldn’t you be home with your kids?”
These are only some of the questions and assumptions many, if not most, working moms face in the course of their careers. While we hear so much about the glass ceiling, this seemingly impenetrable, gender bias in career advancement separating professional men and women, what we don’t talk about as much is the maternal wall bias. This form of discrimination largely experienced by working mothers in the workplace perpetuates the false perception that mothers and pregnant women are less competent, productive and effective at work. This pervasive stereotype is manifest in hiring practices, promotion processes, and career growth and advancement in general.
According to a 2018 PNAS study, 43% of working moms in the Sciences, Technology, Engineering and Maths (STEM) fields dropped their full-time employment after becoming mothers, as opposed to only 23% of men after becoming parents. This statistic, along with many similar ones in other industries, illustrates well how many working mothers are pressured to leave the workplace while, or after having children. The other common alternative for working or expectant mothers is to resign themselves to the more stagnant, less growth oriented “mommy track”, which is especially prevalent in situations where they take advantage of flexible scheduling for family and childcare-related reasons.
The maternal wall bias is embedded in how society traditionally views mothers, whose primary role is assumed and expected to be in the home. This general expectation is also at the root of the deep gender imbalance felt by working mothers throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, during which mothers had to carry the brunt of the home responsibilities while quarantined along with their work duties. Whereas pre-pandemic, the pressure of required “face time” in the office left many working mothers stuck between their careers and roles as mothers; during this global health crisis, moms now had to grapple with blurred work and life boundaries, a never-ending cycle of work on the home and professional fronts, and the reversal of decades of feminist progress in favor of backtracking to antiquated traditional gender stereotypes.
As the world of work is increasingly evolving from a more traditional to a more technology-focused, remote environment, some of this bias could be alleviated by leveling the playing field for remote and hybrid employees. However, for working mothers, working from home also means grappling with the unequal gender division of labor, thus multiplying the weight on their shoulders. And as companies and organizations seek to return their employees to the office, working mothers may again face the harsh pressure of having to choose between work and motherhood…
In a society still plagued by the unfair distribution of childcare resources, as well as health, political and economic uncertainty, the maternal wall bias may constitute a much larger threat than the glass ceiling for working mothers…And maybe this should be the one gender bias we should focus more on…
As we emerge out of a global pandemic, more and more working women and moms are questioning the existence, purpose and legitimacy of their careers. Under the pressure created by this generalized health crisis, the lack of adequate childcare and the unequal gender division of labor at home, to cite a few of these obstacles, women are leaving their careers in troves. While many are re-inventing themselves through business and entrepreneurship, others are left disoriented and in search of purpose in their lives and work.
It’s in the midst of this global health crisis and a general sentiment of exhaustion and burnout among working women and moms, that more and more conversations are emerging about re-imagining what our ideal careers look like. Gone are the days of subscribing to the traditional, patriarchal view of careers governed by glass ceilings, concrete walls and painfully lacking diversity. Working women and moms are now seeing past the illusion of traditional representations of success, and instead opting to re-define their own ideals of purpose, fulfillment and balance.
Where the cult of the hustle culture was prevailing not too long ago, we’re now seeing the rise of movements like slow living, or the Nap Ministry, which are advocating for more present, healthier and less pressure-ridden lifestyles. This includes a more holistic and saner way to thrive, and not just barely survive, in our careers, as more employees are choosing, even requesting to continue working from home and companies are feeling the strain of un-motivated and burnt-out workers.
What all this is pointing to, especially for us as working women and moms, is the urgency of re-imagining the way we work and live. It’s a loud call, if there ever were any, to be active agents in the future of the world of work. And as we collaboratively craft our ideal careers, here are three tips that may help us get started in this endeavor:
Re-packaging and re-purposing our skills
As working women and moms especially, we never quite start from scratch, but always from experience. The breadth and wealth of life experience brought on by working women and moms, also translates into an abundance of personal and professional skills that can be re-packaged and re-purposed into powerful careers.
It’s not a hazard, for instance, that so many working women and moms are re-converting into entrepreneurship, where their managerial abilities, natural empathy and compassion, are allowing them to start and nurture successful businesses.
Tie in your passions, interests and dreams
Passion is fuel. However, in the pursuit of a traditional depiction of success, we often end up pursuing someone else’s goals for us, whether it’s a loved one’s, a boss’s, or even just someone we admire and wish to emulate. Yet, the real question is: What are our true interests, dreams and passions? Not just other people’s, not just what’s popular on social media, not just what others envision for us, but what we have the ability to see in the eye of our minds and the depths of our hearts…
How can we use our skills, whether formal or informal, innate or learned, at the service of the dreams, passions and interests we’ve always had? Ultimately, these point us towards our purpose, however it may manifest in different seasons of our lives and work.
Building a career that works for us
Last but not least, building a career that works for us, rather than one we desperately chase after and constantly work for, is the goal here. We tried the hamster wheel of modern success, exhausted ourselves on the never-ending corporate climb towards an unbreakable glass ceiling, ran towards an ever harder concrete wall, all in the midst of a pandemic, in between school and daycare closures, unending Zoom calls and piling dishes… And we’re tired…
We want careers that work for us, as working women and moms. Careers that don’t require us to shut off any part of ourselves, or restrict the authentic fullness of who we are. Careers that don’t require us to choose between motherhood, marriage and a well-paying job. Careers that don’t force us to leave our sanity, health and authenticity at the door, to prove we’re worthy of sitting at the table. Because we are, we always were…
At the end of the day, crafting our ideal careers is not about settling for the lesser of the evils we may encounter on our professional and personal journeys. Neither is it about picking the safest options for ourselves and our families. What it really is about, is understanding and owning the magnificent extent of the power and influence we hold as working women and mothers, to use our skills, talents and abilities to build a better world of work.
This episode is part of our “Black Women at Work” series in honor of Black History Month.
In this episode, I’m exploring how we, as working women and moms, can navigate and combat racial trauma in the workplace.
Listen in!
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
Dear Working Mom is our periodic love letter to working moms everywhere, where we deal with and unpack the challenges facing mothers and offer encouragement and support…
Dear Working Mom,
Are you doing too much?
If you’re reading this, you may feel a twinge of anger as you wonder if you really have a choice to do less. Wouldn’t you take the opportunity to lessen your burden if you could? Maybe, but then again, maybe not…
In this modern era, almost post-pandemic era of the “supermom”, the mother who can defiantly do it all, is it possible that working mothers have taken on too much, willingly or not? Is it possible that after all, mothers have resigned themselves to carry an excessive burden that was always too heavy for them? And most importantly, is it still possible to put some of this burden down?
If you could only open your to-do list, and look at it with fresher eyes, with eyes outside of the harsh, demanding, and ultra-competitive reality you’re accustomed to, maybe you could see that not everything on it is truly needed. If you could take the exhaustion you feel in your body and soul, the hint of resentment and anger you experience all too often, as serious signs of imbalance and excess, you could see that what you’ve come to consider as your normal pace is actually burning you out. If you could understand that what the world considers to be a superwoman, a “successful” working mom, is a grossly ridiculous modern exaggeration of women’s and mothers’ roles, then you may be inclined to consider that maybe, only maybe, you are doing way too much…
In between all the ultra-positive messages of female independence and #girlpower, the hyper-visibility of women’s accomplishments, and the transformation of motherhood into a competitive social media-fueled performance, it’s no wonder too many working moms are overwhelmed. It’s also no wonder you feel the all too heavy pressure to do it all at the same time, from breaking the glass ceiling, raising model children, keeping up a spicy partnership, to maintaining the perfect girl squad too…Even as you’re advocating for increased gender equity, adding more action items to your already packed to-do list, you’re carrying burdens that never belonged to you entirely. All the while, you’re signing up for more kids’ activities, volunteering for additional benevolent activities, and trying to keep up with a smile on your face and a paralyzing fear of failing in your heart…
While you certainly have a lot on the various plates you’re juggling, you’re still adding on more, for fear of saying no, disappointing your loved ones, or just not being up to par. The reality is, as much as you have to do, what you don’t have to do is slip into the dangerous trap of excess, whether it’s excessive commitments, demands or challenges…
It may be time to pause and listen to your body, soul and mind, as they first whisper, then start loudly yelling, warning you of impending crisis. These warnings are not a sign of weakness or calls to increase your stamina, as you compare yourself to other working mothers who seem to do it all at all times, in the most flattering Instagram filters too. Instead, they’re nudges to ask yourself: “Am I doing too much?”
Is that extra project absolutely necessary? Are the extra kids’ activities a must? Are the extra volunteering activities on three boards, two parent-teacher associations, plus the neighborhood council indispensable? Is taking on all the grand family holiday celebrations a must?
Are you doing too much? And if so, it’s ok to release all the extra, focus on what truly matters, and breathe again, even if imperfectly so…
