Motherhood is beautiful. Yet, for many working mothers, especially in the US, especially in the past few years peppered with global pandemics, political and economic woes, motherhood has been “hard”. Hard is not often a word that we want to associate with being a mother, at least not one we dare to speak out loud when it comes to mothering. Yet, it certainly is the reality for many, one we soften with cute Instagram videos and funny stories, but a reality nevertheless. As many women after the COVID pandemic especially are turning to a “softer” approach to life and work, they’re also turning to a “softer” kind of motherhood. One that seeks to relieve the pressures of modern motherhood, allowing women to mother more lightly, more happily, more authentically…
I remember having a conversation with a fellow mom at my kids’ school. She laughingly was recounting how one of her daughters had told her on the ride to school one morning, that she did not want to be a mother when she’d grow up. When asked why, the young girl responded: “ Because it is so hard…” That made me think about all the times my own children may have thought the same thing. All the times our kids, nieces, or nephews look at us , between drop-offs, pick-ups, after-school activities and overflowing laundry baskets, and vow not to have children of their own, because…it looks so hard. And this is considering that most of us make it look easier than it actually is…
Many women are hitting walls of exhaustion and burnout, and bravely acknowledging it, as New Zealand’s ex-prime minister Jacinda Ardern did by stepping down earlier this year. As they do so, they are also sending the signal that things cannot keep going as they have been. Even as the world needs increased gender equity, diversity and inclusion, what it doesn’t need are mothers too exhausted to fulfill their potential in and outside of the home. Yet, with companies reneging on work-life balance measures and slowing down their diversity efforts, this is also signaling an urgent need to step back, stop glorifying the “hard” path to working motherhood, and instead re-imagining a softer way.
Often, when we hear of taking a “softer” approach, we may be tempted to think the latter would be less effective. In a society focused on over-performance at the expense of effectiveness, we’ve unfortunately come to equate “hard” with “effective”, or even “worthy”. Yet, the opposite couldn’t be truer. When it comes to motherhood, “hard” erodes the foundation of healthy mothering. Hard motherhood is motherhood that lacks flexibility, motherhood that barely survives rather than thrives, motherhood that is not full or complete, but only a shadow of its true potential. When mothers are submitted to unbearable pressure to perform, produce and deliver in the midst of a blatant lack of social, economic and political support, they are not set up for purpose, fulfillment or success. On the very contrary, they are set up for failure. And when mothers are set up for failure, families, communities and entire societies are set up for failure.
So what are we to do when ditching hard motherhood for softer mothering? In our modern society focused on productivity and results, it’s a tall order. Yet, it’s a change that can occur gradually starting with a few underrated, yet oh so effective principles:
Changing our minds about what it means to be a working mother
It all starts with mindset. For many, if not most working moms, motherhood has become an endless performance. From the wee hours of morning, to late night, they’re performing and giving of themselves without so much as a respite. The tiredness, the exhaustion, even the resentment have become a badge of honor, and the source of many acclaimed social media memes. If you’re a working mom, you must be tired. If you’re a working mom, you must not have time for self-care. If you’re a working mom, you must deny yourself, day in and day out. I remember an acquaintance telling me when my kids were still babies, that I did not look like a working mom because I was too well-put together. So does looking disheveled and piling on the under-eye concealers otherwise qualify us to be valid, worthy working mothers? Nope.
This journey towards softer motherhood begins with a changedmindset around what it means to be a working mom. It means redefining working motherhood in terms of better work-life integration, increased fulfillment and purpose. No, we don’t have to look like we’re on the brink of burnout to be approved as good mothers.
Reframe our careers and lives
The next step is to reframe our careers and lives around this mindset of fulfillment, purpose and fullness on our own terms. What are our non-negotiables? How do we take better care of ourselves in order to take better care of others? What can we take off of our plates rather than adding in? Where, and how can we get the support we need? These are a few questions to begin and continue the conversation.
Reframing our careers and lives is a matter of re-envisioning what a sustainable schedule looks like, from work obligations to kids’ activities. It is creating margins and boundaries in otherwise impossible timetables. Sometimes, it may be a matter of getting rid of the entire timetable altogether.
Taking back our power
Last but not least, softer mothering is about taking back our power to live fuller, more authentic lives that do not reflect a fraction of our potential, but as close to its entirety as possible. It’s about reclaiming the time that is so freely given away and under-estimated, and requesting the infrastructures and support needed, whether it’s childcare, flexibility or equity in the home. Finally, it’s about getting rid of the creeping, generational, overwhelming fear that keeps us from prioritizing our needs, and regaining the confidence to be the mothers we were created to be.
At the end of the day, motherhood was not supposed to be hard. Not this kind of societally-imposed, articificially-made “hard”. Is it bound to be challenging? Yes. Is it supposed to be easy? No. But this hard shell of modern motherhood that seems to be offered on the platter of “having (and doing) it all”, is not it. Rather, re-imagining a softer, effective, and sustainable approach to modern mothering is a better path to creating and sustaining societies that can thrive, and not just survive.
In this episode, the first of Black History Month 2023, I discuss what it takes to thrive, and not just survive, in the workplace as a Black woman at work, and as minorities in general. More specifically, I talk about the concept of “agile authenticity”, which requires awareness, impact and a master plan to succeed in the workplace on one’s own terms while still remaining authentic.
Listen in!
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In her book “ The Light We Carry”, Michelle Obama discusses the many challenges of navigating being a black woman in any type of workplace, many of which she experienced herself in her professional life and as First Lady of the United States. She refers to being a double minority in the workplace as navigating different worlds, their worlds of origin and the professional and/or social worlds they’re entering as minorities. This is something most Black women, and most minorities, can certainly identify with. It is this duality of experiences and being that has given rise to code switching, which as draining as it may be, is also a survival tool for many.
Being a minority in the workplace, at times the only minority or one of a very few, definitely means moving between different worlds. Many come from environments where they may be “the first”. The first to go to college. The first to attain a certain type of career success. The first to think, behave and grow differently. This already creates a chasm in their environments of origin, making them stand out, often alone. As they get into environments where they are “the only” or one of a very few, they also stand out, often alone. What we often don’t realize is that many, if not most minorities in the workplace, stand out in both their worlds of origin and their professional worlds, making it even more challenging for them to show up authentically and overcome the obstacles on their way, from discrimination to blatant inequities. Not only do they stand out in both worlds, but they often also feel a sense of needing to satisfy both worlds through performance, sacrifice, even rebellion…
For many, if not most Black women at work, making it professionally then becomes a matter of sheer survival. Many find themselves barely keeping their heads above water, as they tirelessly work to address the pressures from the inside, i.e. their personal and social environments, and those of the outside, i.e. their professional environments. This often results in an excruciating and toxic push and pull between where they are going in terms of professional, even personal, emotional and all around spiritual growth, and where they’re coming from.
So how does one reconcile this pull between worlds as minorities, more specifically as Black women in the workplace, without losing one’s authenticity? How does one achieve a sense of wholeness when pressures keep building in opposite directions? Most importantly, how does one authentically thrive, instead of barely surviving while standing out and often being isolated? It’s certainly a tall order, a dilemma for the ages that is going to require more than an article to solve. It’s also part of an ongoing conversation for us all to have. As part of this conversation, the concept of “agile authenticity” emerges, which combines the value of authenticity or knowing oneself with that of authentically adapting to the various seasons and environments we’re exposed to. As part of this, three principles arise, which I like to call the “AIM” framework of agile authenticity:
Awareness
When it comes to authentically thriving in the workplace as a Black woman, or any person of color at work, awareness is key! It begins with self-awarenessat the core of it, rooted in a solid and continuous understanding of one’s core values. Asking questions such as: “What are my core values in this season of my life and work?”, goes further than just identifying what is important to us. It digs deeper into our growth and current state as individuals, and also provides more information to build upon.
It also involves being acutely aware of one’s environments. Each environment, whether personal or professional, has its own implicit and not-so-implicit rules, processes and systems. Understanding our environments of origin and those we evolve in professionally is crucial to remaining grounded and agile as people and individuals. This is when we know when and what to share, how to present ourselves, and what boundaries to draw.
Impact
“What is the impact I can and want to have in my environments at this very moment?” This is a question that often eludes as minorities in the workplace, as the focus is often put on performance. Yet, even more than performance, impact is what helps us make a difference. If our performance does not positively impact our communities and those around us, what is the point?
Switching the focus from performance to impact, more specifically timely impact, then radically changes the way we think about work and life. Instead of endlessly measuring productivity on others’ timetables, we can measure the impact we have, whether in terms of cultural change, education, or increased equity.
Building a Master Plan
Last but not least, combining awareness and impact allows to build a master plan to thrive in, and even outside of work as Black women, and minorities in general. Being aware of oneself and one’s environments helps identify areas of strength and improvement, while allowing to assess which environments are best for us, and how best to operate in them. Thinking in terms of impact rather than performance gives an evolved perspective of the work we do and the real change we create. All this ultimately contributes to building an evolved career master plan that can help, rather than hinder, navigating the various environments around us.
All in all, thinking in terms of, and practicing agile authenticity as Black women, and minorities in the workplace, can help one thrive, instead of barely surviving in between different worlds. While it requires an acute sense of awareness and impact, it certainly can contribute in building one’s own master plan of success at work.
In this episode, I chat about planning for work-life integration instead of work-life balance. How about planning to integrate all the areas and aspects of our lives and careers, instead of compartmentalizing and attempting to balance it all! Listen in on this episode!
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
Self-care? What self-care? That’s the question many working women and moms ask themselves (and others) when constantly pummeled with the urgency of self-care. When everything else is urgent, from the kids’ school activities to professional responsibilities and household duties, how do we make time for self-care? How do we even begin to care for ourselves when there is so much to do to care for others? And most importantly, how do we maintain a consistent habit of self-care when our schedules are prone to so much change and upheaval, from kids’ sick days to hybrid work?
If you’re reading this and nodding, then you know how setting and keeping self-care habits as a working woman and mom is daunting. It’s all fun and games to read the plethora of self-care advice out there, especially coming from women who are able to hire personal chefs, trainers and assistants? Yet, when you’re busy saving for the kids’ college and catching up on your own retirement, all the while trying to get your sleep on and snatching some childcare on the fly, where do you fit self-care?
Like so many other working women and moms, I have, and still am, grappling with all these questions, plus the undercover guilt of not properly taking care of myself at times. Finding the time, money and resources to practice and maintain proper self-care is no easy feat. So what are some simpler ways, accessible and available to most of us, to do this without breaking the bank, the schedule or losing our minds? Here are three simple ways to get started:
Build small self-care habits into your daily routine
Planning for the monthly spa date with the girls or a solo trip is certainly great for most of us. However, for many among us, it’s not always feasible. Even when it is, it may not be sustainable in the long run, what with the little one catching a cold, an unexpected bill popping up, or a marriage crisis brewing in the background. Besides, what are we to do in between the monthly spa dates and solo trips? This is where building self-care into your daily routine can make a difference. It starts by seeing self-care differently, as just the simple act of caring for oneself, and not necessarily champagne-infused indulgences at the local spa. This can be done by building small self-care habits in the margins of life and work, such as waking up a few minutes earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee alone, or going to bed earlier to read a few pages of your favorite novel before catching some zzz’s. Long commute? How about finding some self-care podcasts to listen to, such as one of my favorites, “The Science of Happiness”.
Set an easy budget
Google the word “self-care”, and you may easily be overwhelmed with glamorous pictures of girls’ trips in Napa valley sipping on some fancy wine, or overpriced spas offering the latest fad in Swedish massages…Even self-care apparently requires money these days. Don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy a fancy spa and gourmet wine too, just not one that adds more financial stress…
If you’re like me, setting an easy “self-care” budget can help. This can be as easy as setting up an automatic $20 deduction a week from your paycheck into an account appropriately called “Self-Care” or “Self Love” (or whichever name will bring a smile of relief on your face). That’s $80 a month, $240 a year, and can take care of some the indulgences you would list under self-care.
Make it a family habit
For the working mamas reading this, we all know how self-care can be daunting. Just getting time on the toilet to gather your thoughts together or scroll through Instagram can be a challenge, never mind a stroll at the local mall or 15 minutes to get your eyebrows waxed without the little one requesting your undivided attention. So how about making self-care a family habit? I get it, the point is to get away from the family, however building family habits around self-care can help everyone understand and respect the need for it. This can take the form of implementing some “quiet time” at home, or teaching kids about the importance of self-care by helping them develop their own self-care habits.
Get a self-care accountability partner
One of the biggest obstacles to taking care of ourselves, is actually maintaining good self-care habits. Often, especially at the beginning of a year or season, we start on a good footing, only to fall back a few weeks or months later, overtaken by other “urgent” tasks and too tired to re-commit. This is where a self-care accountability partner can help. Sharing your self-care goals and being accountable to someone else can go a long way toward ensuring you don’t fall off the bandwagon. And if you do, someone will be there to catch you.
All in all, as attractive as the prospect of self-care can be, the reality is, it can also be daunting for many working women and moms already stretched too thin. However, by building self-care into our daily routine, setting an easy budget, making it a family habit, and getting a self-care accountability partner, it is possible to include more self-care into our daily lives.
