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I’ve had to address many a difficult situation with co-workers. From dealing with control freaks to putting up with abuse at work literally, finding the courage, and the right tone to address challenging inter-personal situations at work can be a challenge, a big one at that…

As women at work especially, the pressure to conform and fit in can be particularly daunting. Attempts at challenging the status quo, or even simply standing for ourselves, are most often shut down and denied any value. As minority women especially, the “angry black woman” stereotype is not only damaging to our careers, but also to our psyches (and not even the Shonda Rhimes of this world are spared the insulting comparison). Yet as difficult as these situations may be, there are tips to handle conflicting, difficult situations with co-workers at work:

1. Pick the right time and place! There’s a time and place for everything. Addressing a difficult situation, especially at work, requires extensive dexterity and diplomacy. You don’t want to put yourself in an even more difficult situation. Pick a time and place where you are comfortable, preferably a private, one-on-one setting.

2. Whatever you’re going to say, write it out first! We are emotional creatures, especially as women, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I actually happen to think we can turn our emotions into competitive advantage. Yet in order to channel our emotions in a constructive way, we must learn to control them. One great way to do so is to prepare for confrontation. Write down your arguments, and read them aloud to yourself before meeting with your co-worker, colleague or boss. Ensure they sound constructive and not damaging, and that they help better the situation at hand. And of course, let it be your truth!

3. Take a deep breath! Confronting a difficult situation at work is far from being easy. It’s our jobs we’re talking about after all, our livelihood. It’s normal to feel apprehensive, even a bit fearful of confrontation at work. So take a deep breath, get hydrated, stop questioning yourself, and believe it is all going to work out for the best!

4. Avoid the blame game! As much as you may have many a reason to blame the other party, don’t feed into a back-and-forth type of conversation. Express what you feel, use specific examples, and offer solutions! A good example of a conversation starter in this case would be: ” I appreciate your feedback and leadership, and am grateful for it. However, I do feel that when you address me in an elevated tone of voice, it creates a difficult atmosphere to work in and prevents us from communicating effectively. An example would be when….” And remember to balance each negative with a positive!

5. Back yourself up! Now that you have decided to confront a difficult situation, colleague or boss, be prepared for repercussions. As much as any workplace forbids retaliation or repercussions of any kind, there are informal undercurrents of it that happen at work every day. Stay optimistic as to the outcome of the conversation, yet do not be blind to the possibility that you may now have to watch your back and defend yourself. Make sure your superior is aware of the discussion that occurred. If necessary, depending on the gravity of the situation, document it formally. You may even want to go one step further and alert Human Resources if the situation requires it. In any case, maintain evidence of what happened, in case you need to provide it later.

Have you had to confront a difficult situation at work? How did you go about it?

The Corporate Sister.