by | Dec 3, 2013 | Career |
As corporate sisters trying to make it in the corporate jungle, we may at times be over-invested in our careers. As we try to make a difference and carve paths where few of us have tread, we may tend to take work with us wherever we go. It’s in our thoughts, all over our words, even in the way we interact with each other…
Many times, we are unable to just leave work at work. We feel that there is too much to do, too much to prove, maybe too much to fear? We store good and bad experiences alike in some cozy corner of our minds, playing and re-playing, over and over again, the victories and mishaps of the day. In the mirrors of our overcrowded psyches, molehills are turned into professional mountains, seemingly insurmountable, just as our stress levels peak higher and higher…
Here we are, at 10pm, fretting over our Blackberrys attempting to resolve issues that are better handled with calm first thing in the morning. Or over-extending ourselves in ways that are detrimental to our health, and ultimately to our careers. Or yet again, setting up patterns and expectations that we may not be able to satisfy in the long run.
Yes, it is certainly important to go above and beyond in our careers. And we can certainly agree that excelling at one’s job does require a certain measure of dedication and commitment. However, failing to balance out the different areas of our lives is a sure deterrent to our professional advancement.
One of the most precious pieces of advice my dear mother, herself a veteran of the corporate sisterhood, once told me, was this: “As a woman, and as a professional Black woman, the world will not be kind to you. But you’ve always got to remember to drop your career at the doorstep before you come home. You can always pick it up in the morning.”
Do you leave work at work?
The Corporate Sister.
by Solange Lopes | Feb 12, 2016 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
I remember returning to work after maternity leave for my first and second baby, being lost and trying to find my marks for weeks. Dealing with the emotional and physical pressure at home, and the mental upheaval at work. After missing so many months at work, there was so much catching up to do. Even as my mind was still reconciling the change in circumstances, when my heart was longing for my fuzzy-haired babies, and my body was juggling the two as I struggled to pump enough milk while reading the quarterly report at work.
This is the dilemma for many moms returning to work after baby. How to adjust to this life change, while still showing ourselves as competent, competitive and ready to shatter that glass ceiling all the while pumping adequate amounts of milk? And how to even expect our male-dominated workplaces to understand what it means to go through the experience of making another human being and emerging as a totally different human being?
While we may expect companies and management to help us through this transition, truth is, we have to do the bulk of the understanding, and the working, and the making peace with all the milk and diapers and quarterly reports mess. And if you’ve been in the same situation, you know all too well what it feels like..
And sometimes, many times actually, we learn more from what not to do, than from what to do. And after breaking my own records of what not to do, in and outside of work, here are a few of my not-to’s for us ladies returning to work after maternity leave:
- Don’t try and be SuperWoman! More than any other time, work after baby feels like having to be Superwoman, except instead of the cape, we have to make do with milk-stained blouses and haunting dark circles (hello waterproof concealer). After baby#1, I though I could come back to the professional life and do it all. Pump while taking the conference call. Get the house in tip-top shape, baby fed, bed made, all before heading out the door in the morning. The reality was, my expectations, more than anything else, drove me bonkers. In addition to having to comb my hair and apply my make-up in the office bathroom, I had to deal with the disappointing frustration of feeling that I was not enough. And of course, my work, and entire life, suffered. Take it one day at a time. Stepping out of the house fully clothed and with matching shoes is already a big accomplishment, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can.
- Don’t stay in your corner! After returning to work from maternity leave both times, I literally hibernated in my cube for a while. At the time, I thought this would be the best way to catch up and to find my marks. What ended up happening though, is that I failed to re-integrate the work environment as well as I could have. As a new mom back at work after baby, it’s easy (and somewhat normal at first) to stay in your corner and take some time to readjust. Yet, you want this transition period to be as short and swift as possible. Even if you’re still overwhelmed and uncomfortable the first few weeks, come out of your cube. Go meet and talk to people. Ask about changes that have happened in your absence. Do your own, subtle yet effective “after baby networking”. Better than catching up on email, it’s the fastest and most effective way to get yourself back in the groove of all work things. And it’s also the best way to show that you are indeed, back!
- Ask for what you need! Many new moms fail to ask for what they need. What they really, desperately need. Instead, we try to do it all, and end up frustrated, unhappy, and paralyzed into inaction. After baby#2, our family schedule had changed, and I needed to be able to come in earlier so I could leave earlier to pick up both babies. Instead of asking for what a slight schedule adjustment, I would instead drive myself insane trying to leave a few minutes late and curse my way to the daycare. Not the most effective way to keep sane! Do you need to leave at 4:30pm to feed the baby? Ask for a more flexible work arrangement. Do you need to take an hour at lunch to pump? Check with your manager and block that time on your calendar. The better you are at asking for what you need in order to perform your job well, the better you’ll be able to fulfill your professional duties. And yes, there may be instances where the answer will be no! Yet you owe it to yourself to ask.
- Don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles. I was speaking to a close friend earlier about her career progress. And what she said made me realize the sad truth for many moms returning to work after maternity leave. “I don’t think I’ll get the promotion. I’ve just had my second baby, and I’m sure I won’t even be considered for the job. They’ll probably think I won’t be committed enough, with all my family responsibilities and all…” So she didn’t go for the job…at first. Until her own husband pushed her to apply and go for it. And she did get it…This is a happy ending that may not happen in many other instances. Yet, way too often, we take ourselves out of the race mentally first. Thinking that we won’t be able to do the job. Or that “they” won’t consider us for it (who’s “they” anyways?). If you don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles, even if these look the part, chances are others won’t.
In summary, here are the no-no’s to absolutely avoid when coming back to work after baby, milk-stained shirts and sleepless nights galore:
- Avoid the Superwoman trap at all costs! You can’t do it all, and you can’t please everyone. You’re not a plate of cheese!
- Get out of that office, cube, or wherever else you may be hiding out after baby! Network your way back into the fold, show your face, and get back on track!
- Put your needs out there! No more trying to beat traffic, or concoct excuses! If you need it, ask for it!
- What’s happening to you is normal, it’s not an obstacle! Stop thinking of and presenting your circumstances as obstacles to your career advancement and progress! The more you learn to thrive in your circumstances, the more success you will attract your way!
What else would you suggest as a no-no for women returning to work after abby? Care to share your own story? Please chime in in the comments…
Love and Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Jul 29, 2024 | Career
It is often said that moms make great leaders, probably the best leaders. The invaluable, often innate skills that come from motherhood, from intuition, to organization and effective team management, are also described as main leadership qualities; qualities which should logically translate well from the home to the office and vice-versa. Yet, I remember asking myself, in the middle of a rather heated exchange with my teenagers on a random Tuesday while trying to process the next batch of laundry and remembering the appointments of the day, how much of this holds true in my own experience. If motherhood makes for great leaders, does effective leadership translate into effective motherhood and vice-versa, crossing from the office to the home?
I grew up with a single mother who worked in and outside of the home. In stark contrast to the images of leadership I was exposed to through both my academic and my professional journey, where leadership was mostly male, my first image of leadership was female. It is not until years later as a working mother myself, that I began grappling with the concept of leadership and what it means for working women and moms at the intersection of work and home…
Despite the common traditional assumption that men are the leaders of the home, much of the home’s “silent” leadership is actually carried by women, whether they work exclusively in the home, or both in and outside of the home. As a matter of fact, the “silent” but oh so meaningful contributions of women make up $7.6 trillion of the Unites States’ annual Gross Domestic Product (GDP). Unpaid labor is defined by the Organization of Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) as “non-compensated time spent completing domestic tasks such as caring for children, the elderly, or other household or non-household members, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and shopping for household goods, among others.”
Yet, what is not often talked about is what happens at the intersection of leadership at work and home for working mothers. How do we, as working moms, carry this leadership in our homes? How do we defy traditional norms that do not recognize us as leaders, in or outside the home? And how do we transition from leadership at work to leadership at home?
Let me preface by saying I strongly believe leadership, especially for women, is an innate skill, an ability that ought to be developed and nurtured internally first, rather than acquired and developed from the outside. This is why so many leadership trainings for women often fail to produce authentic and sustainable results. Instead of targeting the development of innate leadership qualities that already exist in women, they tend to focus on imprinting externally developed, and traditional patriarchal ideas of leadership. What these programs unsuccessfully attempt to do then, is to erroneously fix the outside, forgetting about the importance of authentically working from the inside first. Now imagine these same patriarchal models of leadership being brought back in the home, perpetuating a flagrant lack of alignment and authenticity in the process of raising children and running households…
As a working mom and career woman, I tried bringing back home this patriarchal model of leadership, based on so-called effective ways of leading ranging from assertiveness to even aggressiveness at times. And…need I say it did not work, and especially not with children, never mind rebellious teenagers…Children, as well as teenagers, can sense lack of authenticity from a mile away. While I observed our children effectively responding to my husband’s unique and very personal leadership style, I could plainly see they were not responding as well to my own professionally imported style of leading…This prompted me to continue exploring what leadership means for women at the intersection of work and home. This exploration has led me to these three principles that have helped me ease the confusion between traditional leadership, mostly applied at work, and leadership at home, and tie both into an approach to leadership for working moms:
- Develop one uniform leadership identity across work and home:
What kind of leader am I? How do I lead, not just in the workplace, but everywhere where I can have an impact? And how can I ensure my leadership remains authentic while still acting for the greater good?
I believe leadership is intrinsically tied to the very core of our beings. Who you are when no one is looking is who you are as a leader. I struggled with this for a long time, especially as a woman building a career in mostly male-dominated environments. I’m a quiet leader, so my style of leadership is not exactly aligned with the most mainstream and popular ideas of leadership either.
Reconciling my various identities as a Black woman, a professional and an introvert into one uniform leadership identity has been (and still is) a journey. One that is a precious opportunity to know myself better and evolve with the various seasons of my life; but also one that allows me to dig deeper into what my authentic style of leadership is.
- No leadership battles! Create a multi-leadership environment
Am I the leader or is my husband the leader? If he is the leader, how can I lead? Should I even be thinking of leading?
As a woman raised in a single-parent, female-led home, in a traditionally patriarchal West African society in the Catholic faith, these questions were bound to cross my mind. Men are supposed to be the leaders in the home. Then how do we introduce the concept of leading as women? Yet, if we do not contribute to the leadership of our homes, then what are we doing? And if we’re learning to lead outside the home, do we just leave all that at the door when we get home?
I believe we are all leaders in our own capacity and in various roles. While we cannot all lead in the same areas at the same time, we can take various leadership roles at different times. What this means may vary from one marriage or family to another. But the fact remains that leadership can be shared, with various levels of responsibility and accountability being put in place between partners but also between partners and children.
- Be flexible in your approach to leadership
As a working woman and mom, I know seasons of life and work rapidly change. What worked yesterday may not work today, and vice-versa. Learning to be flexible has been a key in my own growth and development as a leader in my own life and work. Being willing to gauge and re-evaluate my own sense of leadership, taking into account feedback from others, and forgiving myself in the process, has allowed me to continue to be true to myself.
Flexibility in how we approach and apply leadership at home and at work will allow you to adjust as you pursue your own leadership journey. It will also allow you to navigate the various, and inevitable, phases of life and work ahead, while authentically leading as yourself, from your very core.
For working women and moms, reconciling how to lead at home and how to lead at work, can create a world of confusion. By developing one uniform approach to leadership, sharing leadership at home, and allowing flexibility in the process, the journey can be made much easier, and most importantly, much more authentic and purposeful…
How do you reconcile leading at home and leading at work?
The Corporate Sis
by Solange Lopes | May 18, 2024 | PODCAST
In this episode, I address the question of authentic (and different) leadership for working women and working moms. I discuss:
1)revisiting our beliefs about leadership,
2) challenging the foundations of leadership in the organizations and institutions we’re part of, and
3) redefining our own brand of leadership as working women and moms.
Thanks for Listening!
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To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
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by Solange Lopes | Mar 4, 2024 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
The other day, I was in the middle of disciplining one of my babies (who are no longer babies), when the thought “ I have no idea what I’m doing” crossed my mind. As a Black mom of a pre-teen and a full-blown teenager, these moments in my working mom life are happening more and more. Whereas they used to be far and few in between, now during this teenage phase, they have become more the norm than the exception. Truth is, there are few things like raising teenagers (and kids in general) that will also raise both your blood pressure and insecurities as a mom and a parent in general…
Have you ever, like myself, been in the middle of disciplining your child, only to question your own confidence, adequacy and aptitude as a mom? Have you ever felt that you needed a larger supply confidence as a mom? And really (tell the truth), have you ever wondered if there ever were a “mom confidence training” class somewhere? Ok, I’ll give in, I know I have…
Whereas confidence is more often associated with career and work skills, there is not enough talk about how many moms like myself find themselves needing one (or many) extra shots of maternal confidence, especially in current times. While parenting has always been a challenge for most, if not all parents, the modern lethal addition and combination of modern technology, social media and mental health culture, among other factors, have made it both a virtual and physical gargantuan task for moms.
According to the 2021 research by the WealthiHer Network, 79% of women recognize they struggle with self-esteem. Further studies reveal almost two thirds of new mothers, or roughly about 63%, report decreasing levels of self-esteem after giving birth. Unfortunately, lack of confidence and self-esteem can result in self-doubt, which can then turn into burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
As a first generation immigrant from Senegal, West Africa, the cultural clash between witnessing raising kids back home, and the corresponding reality in today’s America, has been trying to say the least. As a Black working mom juggling motherhood, career, marriage, laundry, and all the rest of life in the midst of a world still struggling with racism, sexism, and discrimination of all kinds, it’s been akin to walking a tightrope threatening to break at any moment. Add to it all the modern advice and literature around conscious parenting (thank you Dr. Shefali), childhood trauma, and the rampant mental health epidemic among the youth, and there’s an explosive cocktail of parental confusion with strong notes of mothering guilt and not-so-subtle undertones of societal crisis…And need I mention the lack of parental support, paid leave or a general infrastructure to assist moms? ‘Nuff said…
So how do we even begin to develop anything close to “mom confidence” in today’s world? How do you sift through all the biases, traumas, dreams, and responsibilities to uncover the secrets to raising well-balanced kids without losing your sanity and very last coin? How can we, as not-so-proud holders of multiple minority statuses, whether as Black women, women of color, and women in general, take back our power when it comes to raising our children?
Well, since I have not found the mothering secret (or any secret for that matter) or magic recipe, here are some tidbits about my humble own experience, and that of the many working moms I’ve had the privilege to share this mom path with;
Modern motherhood is not for the faint of hearts, especially when navigating the cultural and racial , as well as technology, social media and mental health issues that plague our world and societies. In an ever-evolving world, constantly adjusting and learning become indispensable. As a Black woman, an immigrant floating between different cultures and realities, learning is a constant necessity.
As a lifelong nerd and academic, much of my learning happens in books. I’ve also been gifted with precious sisters, aunts, mothers whose advice, conversation and support have taught me more than I could ever learn from the pages of any book. This learning has also informed much of my work and career, and progress in other areas of life.
What learning is motherhood pointing you to? What unanswered questions can you find answers to? What are the safe spaces, places and people you can learn from?
- Build and leverage confidence in other areas, including your career
While I always proclaim that being a mom has made me a better career woman, the reverse is also true. In many instances, the confidence I’ve gained in my career has allowed me to show up as a freer, more authentic version of myself as a mom. It’s allowed me to trust myself, my intuition and my God-given skills and abilities, including those of a mother. As a Christian mom, my faith has been the pillar of my confidence, which has also significantly helped ground me professionally and personally as a working mom.
In turn, this same sense of confidence has kept fueling much of my career and professional life, almost creating literal emotional, mental and even spiritual economies of scale throughout the various areas of my life. When I don’t feel as confident as a mom, I can remind myself of my spiritual foundation of faith and confidence. I can revisit all the times when I felt and acted confident at work, in my relationships, in my vocation.
Which areas of your life and work can you leverage to build and boost your confidence as a working mom?
One thing that motherhood, and parenting in general, will unveil, is the core of yourself. You can count on mothering to awaken the wild beast of all your traumas, known or unknown (mostly unknown), and bring to the surface emotions, attitudes and reactions you would have never suspected in a million years. I know it certainly did (and still does) for me…
While my career has revealed over time some of the childhood trauma I have needed to heal from, motherhood has laid bare even deeper wounds I need to face. Indeed, one of the most precious gifts of motherhood is the call to heal. Understanding, and heeding, this call, through formal and informal therapy (read: books and endless girlfriend conversations), has been nothing short of a saving grace for me.
Has your experience as a working mom revealed areas where you need healing?
All in all, developing confidence as a working mom requires much more than many, if not most of us, anticipate at first. Through learning and adjusting, building and leveraging confidence from other areas of life and work, and focusing on healing, we can keep growing through motherhood.
What has been your experience developing confidence as a working mom?
The Corporate Sis
