Have you ever cried at work, whether hidden in a bathroom stall or flat out in front of your boss? Have you ever expressed your anger in an explosive way you wish you could take back? Or have you witnessed a co-worker or friend in similar situations? You may have experienced any of these situations which may have required you to manage your emotions at work, whether you or someone else was involved.
As working women, we’re often saddled with the reputation of being “too emotional”. Popular opinion has it that women at work wear their emotions on their sleeves, and for this reason, may not be able to aspire to or hold positions of leadership. As a working woman, I know the importance of managing our emotions at work. From speaking with fellow working women, I also know that many have experienced, either personally or through a relationship, the negative effects of emotions at work.
In the traditional sense, emotions have been heralded as not belonging in the workplace. You’re not supposed to show your emotions at work. Neither are you supposed to talk about them. However, considering that emotions are natural mechanisms of survival as embedded in our biological make-up, how realistic is it to be expected to show no to little emotion at work?
Truth is, both men and women react to emotional stimuli, albeit in different ways. While men tend to explode, women tend to cry. However, as explained by neurologist William Frey, women tend to also carry in their systems a hormone that makes them more prone to crying, also known as prolactin. Yet, women are blamed more at work for expressing their emotions and as such tend to be more emotionally constrained.
What are we then do to as working women to manage our emotions at work? While ignoring your emotions at work is counter-productive, there are ways to manage them so that they help and don’t hinder your career:
Know your emotional patterns
Being aware of how you emotionally react is the first step to effectively managing your emotions. What triggers you in and outside of work? How do you tend to react in certain situations? Who are the people who make you react in a more emotional way?
Learning to be mindful of your own emotional triggers and reactions can go a long way towards helping you manage them. It will also help you anticipate highly stressful and emotion-inducing situations or contexts so you can choose the most suitable reaction for yourself. For instance, faced with a colleaugue’s or boss’s demeaning remarks, knowing that this is a trigger will help you decide to step away and grab a coffee in order to calm yourself down first. Even in situations where you may cry or get upset, prepare to discuss the behavior that made you react this way and seek an amicable resolution rather than letting it fester.
Do not ignore your emotions
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is totally ignoring your emotions. Burying deep-seated feelings or delaying emotional responses may worsen them in the long run. Acknowledge that you’re experiencing certain emotional reactions and work to understand their roots and origins first. What is it about a certain setting, context or person that creates certain strong emotions in you? Does it relate to a time or experience that you may not have dealt with previously?
It requires strength to recognize your emotions, when you may be tempted to ignore them. Instead, acknowledge them, and consider sharing them with someone you trust as a way of release. You can use this knowledge to devise the best way to react rather than being taken by surprise and reacting out of character.
Develop habits that help you balance out your emotions
Experiencing a host of different emtions at work, or anywhere else for that matter, is normal. Additioanlly ,considering the large amount of time we spend at work, it can be hard to avoid our emotions. It’s important then to develop habits and rituals to balance out the impact of some of the storng emotions we may feel at work. Habits such as exercising, meditation, prayer can help instill more happiness and stability in your day-to-day, so as to bring more emotional balance overall.
Having outlets for your talents, skills and interests outside of work can greatly contribute to helping you manage your emotions without denying them. It will also expose you to different environments and various personalities which in turn will teach you the resilience and experience needed to handle other situations at work.
Overall, you must demystify the importance of emotions at work and learn to use these as actual compasses and indicators rather than enemies to be avoided at all costs.
Now your turn: How do you deal with your emotions at work?
While some say it is now getting easier to show emotion at work, the majority seem to applaud emotional displays when coming from men, and frown upon them when displayed by women. Yet, as we are all becoming increasingly aware of the importance of emotional intelligence at work, it is more and more evident that successful women should all but hide their emotions at work, for fear these powerful outlets of anger, sadness or fear emphasize an already existing bias of weakness among women.
Yet, temper tantrums and other bursts of much more destructive anger from male leaders are often seen as signs of power and strength. If so, then, how can we, as women, leverage the power of our emotions as competitive advantage in the workplace:
1. Do NOT repress your emotions! Emotions are our body’s way of dealing with life. It’s not so much our emotions than how we react to them that sets us apart for success or failure. Allow yourself to feel and perceive emotionally, as it is the basis of emotional intelligence. It’s your response to what you feel that needs to be controlled.
2.Turn your emotions into Emotional IQ: as women, our acute perceptiveness of our own and others’ emotions gives us an edge over men, especially in the workplace where the merits of Emotional Intelligence are now being highly recognized. While some aspects of Emotional Intelligence, including self-awareness, social skill, empathy and managing one’s emotions, may be dealt with differently by both sexes, women are definitely apt at converting their high emotional quotient into positive, productive Emotional Intelligence.
3. Tailor your reaction to the situation: Regardless of the type of emotion triggered in you, keep in mind every situation calls for an adapted and appropriate reaction. Take some time to feel the emotional trigger, and ask yourself why you are feeling this way. This will help you assess the situation at hand, and give you time to calmly tailor your response to it in a productive, positive manner.
How do you leverage your emotions into Emotional Intelligence?
The other day, I was in the middle of disciplining one of my babies (who are no longer babies), when the thought “ I have no idea what I’m doing” crossed my mind. As a Black mom of a pre-teen and a full-blown teenager, these moments in my working mom life are happening more and more. Whereas they used to be far and few in between, now during this teenage phase, they have become more the norm than the exception. Truth is, there are few things like raising teenagers (and kids in general) that will also raise both your blood pressure and insecurities as a mom and a parent in general…
Have you ever, like myself, been in the middle of disciplining your child, only to question your own confidence, adequacy and aptitude as a mom? Have you ever felt that you needed a larger supply confidence as a mom? And really (tell the truth), have you ever wondered if there ever were a “mom confidence training” class somewhere? Ok, I’ll give in, I know I have…
Whereas confidence is more often associated with career and work skills, there is not enough talk about how many moms like myself find themselves needing one (or many) extra shots of maternal confidence, especially in current times. While parenting has always been a challenge for most, if not all parents, the modern lethal addition and combination of modern technology, social media and mental health culture, among other factors, have made it both a virtual and physical gargantuan task for moms.
According to the 2021 research by the WealthiHer Network, 79% of women recognize they struggle with self-esteem. Further studies reveal almost two thirds of new mothers, or roughly about 63%, report decreasing levels of self-esteem after giving birth. Unfortunately, lack of confidence and self-esteem can result in self-doubt, which can then turn into burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
As a first generation immigrant from Senegal, West Africa, the cultural clash between witnessing raising kids back home, and the corresponding reality in today’s America, has been trying to say the least. As a Black working mom juggling motherhood, career, marriage, laundry, and all the rest of life in the midst of a world still struggling with racism, sexism, and discrimination of all kinds, it’s been akin to walking a tightrope threatening to break at any moment. Add to it all the modern advice and literature around conscious parenting (thank you Dr. Shefali), childhood trauma, and the rampant mental health epidemic among the youth, and there’s an explosive cocktail of parental confusion with strong notes of mothering guilt and not-so-subtle undertones of societal crisis…And need I mention the lack of parental support, paid leave or a general infrastructure to assist moms? ‘Nuff said…
So how do we even begin to develop anything close to “mom confidence” in today’s world? How do you sift through all the biases, traumas, dreams, and responsibilities to uncover the secrets to raising well-balanced kids without losing your sanity and very last coin? How can we, as not-so-proud holders of multiple minority statuses, whether as Black women, women of color, and women in general, take back our power when it comes to raising our children?
Well, since I have not found the mothering secret (or any secret for that matter) or magic recipe, here are some tidbits about my humble own experience, and that of the many working moms I’ve had the privilege to share this mom path with;
Learn and adjust!
Modern motherhood is not for the faint of hearts, especially when navigating the cultural and racial , as well as technology, social media and mental health issues that plague our world and societies. In an ever-evolving world, constantly adjusting and learning become indispensable. As a Black woman, an immigrant floating between different cultures and realities, learning is a constant necessity.
As a lifelong nerd and academic, much of my learning happens in books. I’ve also been gifted with precious sisters, aunts, mothers whose advice, conversation and support have taught me more than I could ever learn from the pages of any book. This learning has also informed much of my work and career, and progress in other areas of life.
What learning is motherhood pointing you to? What unanswered questions can you find answers to? What are the safe spaces, places and people you can learn from?
Build and leverage confidence in other areas, including your career
While I always proclaim that being a mom has made me a better career woman, the reverse is also true. In many instances, the confidence I’ve gained in my career has allowed me to show up as a freer, more authentic version of myself as a mom. It’s allowed me to trust myself, my intuition and my God-given skills and abilities, including those of a mother. As a Christian mom, my faith has been the pillar of my confidence, which has also significantly helped ground me professionally and personally as a working mom.
In turn, this same sense of confidence has kept fueling much of my career and professional life, almost creating literal emotional, mental and even spiritual economies of scale throughout the various areas of my life. When I don’t feel as confident as a mom, I can remind myself of my spiritual foundation of faith and confidence. I can revisit all the times when I felt and acted confident at work, in my relationships, in my vocation.
Which areas of your life and work can you leverage to build and boost your confidence as a working mom?
Healing is key!
One thing that motherhood, and parenting in general, will unveil, is the core of yourself. You can count on mothering to awaken the wild beast of all your traumas, known or unknown (mostly unknown), and bring to the surface emotions, attitudes and reactions you would have never suspected in a million years. I know it certainly did (and still does) for me…
While my career has revealed over time some of the childhood trauma I have needed to heal from, motherhood has laid bare even deeper wounds I need to face. Indeed, one of the most precious gifts of motherhood is the call to heal. Understanding, and heeding, this call, through formal and informal therapy (read: books and endless girlfriend conversations), has been nothing short of a saving grace for me.
Has your experience as a working mom revealed areas where you need healing?
All in all, developing confidence as a working mom requires much more than many, if not most of us, anticipate at first. Through learning and adjusting, building and leveraging confidence from other areas of life and work, and focusing on healing, we can keep growing through motherhood.
What has been your experience developing confidence as a working mom?
As layoffs have been sweeping the business and corporate landscape recently in areas such as tech for instance, many have been directly or indirectly impacted by it. Many working women and/or their partners are currently dealing with layoffs, and having to adjust to an uncertain economic outlook. For many, it’s also been an unplanned crisis they were not prepared for.
Even when women are not directly impacted, their partners may be, this disrupting the balance of the household from various perspectives, including an economic one.
So how does one deal with layoffs, whether directly or indirectly? Here are a few tips that may help:
Processing emotions is important
Being let go is emotionally painful. From feeling devalued to a sense of guilt and worthlessness, one can experience many negative emotions from the experience. However, too often, in attempts to show strength or simply because we’re too overwhelmed, many don’t take time to acknowledge theirs or others’ emotions when faced with layoffs. Yet, this is an important part of the process.
Processing emotions related to layoffs includes addressing the negative internal backlash fueled by anger, guilt, and other self-deprecating feelings. It’s a matter of acknowledging where we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, in order to move forward in the most effective manner.
Apart from addressing the emotional impact that comes with layoffs, dealing with the financial consequences is also key. Losing part or the entirety of one’s household income, especially in times of general economic hardship, can have monumental effects.
This is where making a financial plan, including reducing expenses, finding ways to create supplemental income, and re-evaluating one’s money mindset, comes into play.
Last but not least, layoffs, as painful and destabilizing as they may be, are also opportunities to revisit and re-evaluate one’s career plans. For many, it has meant going back to achieving old objectives and goals, such as going back to school, starting a business, or even taking some time off to regroup and start again. For others, it’s meant considering a drastic change in careers and long-term plans.
The reality is, disruption is more often than not a chance to begin again, however traumatic and unplanned they may be. Layoffs are certainly no exception…
All in all, dealing with layoffs, whether directly or indirectly, is far from easy. However, with trust in the process, a solid financial plan and the courage to re-evaluate prior career plans, they can also be the gateway to new opportunities and fresh beginnings.
If you’ve ever felt trapped by motherhood, somewhere between unloading the umpteenth load of laundry and answering the last email of the day on the kitchen table, you may have also felt like you should have never felt that way. You may have experienced such strong sense of guilt at the very thought of it that you may instead have sought to bury it in the deepest recesses of your mind, and never let anyone know you ever had this thought. After all, we live in a society where motherhood is revered, celebrated and embellished in all ways possible. All you have to do is click on your social media app to encounter loads of filtered, blissfully happy working family photos in picturesque backgrounds of all sorts…Yet, like many working moms at one point or another of their parenting journey, feeling stuck in a circumstantial prison of some sorts is common and nothing to be ashamed of…
In a society still reeling from the deep wounds of the COVID-19 pandemic, along with an ongoing political, economic and social latent crisis, working moms are at an all time high disadvantage. From dealing with the compounding weight of childcare, eldercare and household responsibilities, to facing the heavy toll of disproportionately lagging gender equity in the workplace, not to mention the increasingly restrictive laws against women, many, if not most working mothers are at a loss.
When there are no viable alternatives between home and work, feeling trapped is the inevitable result for too many working moms. Often, this presents itself as seemingly impossible dilemmas requiring us to make drastic, difficult choices between work and family, and even give up on our own fulfillment and purpose in a sacrificial manner.
So what can we do as working mothers to disentangle ourselves from these types of dilemmas? The answer is by creating more freedom in your motherhood process. Wherever you are in your mothering process, you don’t have to feel stuck, even if and when external circumstances tell you the very opposite.
Here are some tips that may help:
Start with your mindset
If you’ve been feeling “stuck” as a working mom, chances are your mindset has something to do with it. Thoughts such as “I don’t have a choice”, or “I’m a mother, so I can’t do this or that”, are the same thoughts that may keep you in a vicious cycle of disempowerment and self-victimization.
Changing the way you think of your circumstances can go a long way towards not only changing your attitude, but creating better opportunities. Replacing old, negative thought patterns with new ones by seeing opportunity instead of lack is key. Where you may think you have no choice but to leave your current role in order to care for your children, there may be an opportunity to start that online business you’ve been thinking about. Where you may feel like you can’t afford to apply for a more advanced position at work, there may very well be a chance to ask for a schedule more suited to your needs. Opportunity is everywhere!
Be clear about your brand of motherhood
Very often, we feel trapped because we’re applying someone else’s rules or version of what should be to our own lives and careers. Taking the time to gain clarity around who we are in every season of our work and life, helps us reframe our own brand of motherhood.
When we own who we are as working moms, we’re better able to navigate our circumstances in a more forward-looking and positive manner. What this also allows us to do is to adapt our choice of careers, businesses and schedules, to our own optimal brand of motherhood.
Streamline and prioritize!
Changing your mindset and gaining clarity about your own brand of motherhood allows you, in turn, to streamline and prioritize. This means eliminating what does no longer align with who we are and the kind of mothers we truly want to be.
When we’re not filling our minds, emotions and calendars with false beliefs, expectations and commitments that are not in alignment with our true selves, we’re better able to streamline our schedules, careers and lives by eliminating what no longer fits. We’re also able to prioritize what truly matters, thus creating more space and freedom as working moms.
All in all, feeling trapped by motherhood as a working mom is far from being uncommon. It is a reality so many working mothers face day in and day out. However, it doesn’t have to be a permanent situation, and can be alleviated by changing our mindsets, being clear about our own brand of motherhood, and streamlining our schedules, work and lives.
