This morning, my son and daughter were both painting their Santa figures. A peaceful Santa painting workshop quickly turned into a comparison war, as they both started comparing their mini works of art. Pretty soon, we had to break a kiddie war on who the next Picasso would be.
As I watched them, I realized how so many of us grow up to compare our looks, intellect, careers, businesses, down to our hair and the way our homes are decorated. From the times we’re taught by society as kids to be good or bad, taller or shorter, lighter or darker-skinned, richer or less rich, we start internalizing these messages. In turn, it becomes harder and harder as time passes by to stop this act of violence against ourselves.
Comparing ourselves to others is effectively denying our uniqueness, our God-Given talents, gifts and abilities. It’s doubting that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that no two of us is alike. Instead, it’s allowing the pressures of society, as well as our own self-imposed pressures, to not leverage what we have in front of us. If there ever were a distraction to success, comparison is definitely it.
How do we stop comparing ourselves to others when most of us are raised and socialized to do so? How do we manage, especially as working women, to withstand the demands of modern society and the influence of social media to run our own races? And how do we stay on track and on our own lane despite it all?
I’ve asked myself these questions one too many times. Growing up in a single parent family in Senegal, West Africa, being original was not exactly the priority. At the time, it was about surviving first, then making it second. Sometimes, when you’re coming up against the curve, your main parameters can come from others around you. And when you’re different, what seems to be the norm can also appear like your only parameter.
One good thing, actually probably the only good thing about comparing yourself to others, is that it stirs up a pain and uncomfortable feeling that signals the danger of it. Comparing ourselves to others is being violent to ourselves, and the frustration that comes from it clearly shows it.
Here are a few ways that I’ve learnt to stop the comparison train in my own life, and regained the peace and clarity necessary to pursue my own race:
Learn to celebrate others (without getting mad at yourself)
One of the biggest reasons why we doubt ourselves is that we fail to celebrate others. The more we celebrate others, the more we learn to genuinely be happy for others. Whenever we can muster the strength to clap for others, we learnt to appreciate everyone else’s individual journey and story without comparing it to ours.
Realize you don’t know what’s behind everyone’s journey
Very often, we envy others without realizing what hides behind their own journey. You’ve heard it before: “The average success story takes 10 years”. What this also means is that we don’t often see the trials, obstacles and failures on their path. We don’t see the sad moments, the times of discouragement, and the loneliness that has plagued many a successful person. Before you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else, consider that they may have to pay a price that you may not want to pay.
Trust your own journey
Every path is unique, so is every individual. What you can do is different from what anybody else can do. Your contribution to this world is uniquely tailored to your personality, gifts and talents. Comparing yourself to someone else implies that you don’t trust or honor your own path and uniqueness. The last thing you want is someone else’s journey.
Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful towards honoring yourself and your own journey. The more grateful you are, the more you tend to celebrate your own blessings and accomplishments, and the more you tend to enjoy others’ as well.
Being grateful for everything in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is like saying: “I am enough, I am right where I should be when I should be there!”
Celebrate yourself (even if no one is celebrating you)
Celebrating others is not enough. You must also learn to clap for yourself, without waiting on the approval of others. Celebrate yourself, take yourself out to dinner, treat yourself. Learn to periodically stop and appreciate how far you’ve come, in preparation for how far you’re going.
How have you stopped comparing yourself to others?
Are you guilty of comparing your career to everyone else’s around you? Do you look at your co-worker who just scored a gleaming promotion with envious eyes, resenting their success? Or are you the silent Linked In lurker checking out all your college friends’ profiles, measuring up against their accomplishments?
We live in a world of comparisons. We don’t just want to keep up with the Jones, today’s culture teaches us to beat the Jones, buy their house, take their car, holler at their friends, all the while trying to keep our FICA scores high and blood pressures levels low.
After all, it must be greener in the next corner office right?
My $0.05: Comparison and competition in the workplace can be beneficial to some extent, as long as it’s healthy. You want to be able to emulate positive or successful behaviors, and avoid damaging ones. You also want to be able to assess whether you’re at the right compensation level, or need to improve in certain areas.
However, as I like to say, there’s a price to pay for every career. Avoid making hasty assumptions about a successful colleague or higher-up, at the risk of diminishing your own accomplishments. One way to avoid this dangerous pitfall is simply to ask! Ask that brilliant colleague how they achieved success, or send a note to the partner and inquire if they can be your mentor.
The grass is not greener in the next corner office, it’s only busier!
A few years back, I had the opportunity and privilege to transition for a corporate career to an academic one. While at the time, the shift was terrifying, it proved to be one of the most fulfilling and purpose-filled experiences of my life. Through this transition, I’ve learnt the power of reinventing your career at any age, and the wealth of possibilities that come with it. I’ve also learnt, by trial and error, the strategies that can make such a move a truly empowering and successful one.
Fast-forward a few years, in the middle of a global pandemic, and many of us are re-thinking our priorities like never before. As working women and moms carry the brunt of the burden of the pandemic, both in terms of job losses and household responsibilities, it’s never been a better time to also think about reinventing our careers. As working women, the concept of career reinvention is certainly not foreign to us. As we age into the workforce, our 40’s and 50’s bring with them the constant and harsh reminder that we may no longer be welcome in positions now bestowed upon the youngest and freshest of this world. Along with ageism, working motherhood also confronts us with the tough reality of having to scale back our professional ambitions for a time, take a break from work, or even leave the workforce entirely, not to mention the stigma of being perceived as less competent in the workplace just because we are mothers.
Truth is, career reinvention is scary to many, if not most of us. Aside from threatening our sense of stability, along with our financial and social foundation, it also carries the risk of shaking us to our core, from our most innate beliefs to our perceived place in the world. As women tend to be more risk-adverse than men, they also tend to stay put longer in careers and professional environments that may not be the best fit for them, may undervalue them, and downright damage their changes at growth and advancement.
Career reinvention does not have to necessarily translate into a change of industries or jobs. As a matter of fact, it should be a constant process of self-improvement, personal development and professional mastery. Staying at the same company, or even at the same position, should not become an exercise in stalled progress. Instead, it should be a constant wake-up call to innovate, do things differently, as we incorporate all the facets of our own growth as individuals into your work.
Here are 7 strategies to re-invent your career at any age as a working woman:
Frequently take your own career pulse
How often do you take your own career pulse? How often do you ask yourself if you’re still fulfilled at work, or if you’re falling into a rut?
Taking your career pulse at least every quarter will let you get back in touch with how you truly feel about your work. It will also inform you as to what has changed in your work dynamic, in yourself and in your environment, if anything, and what can be improved along the way.
Re-visit your why periodically
Why do you do what you do? Is it for the money, for the passion, for the purpose of it all? Or have you not been able to put your finger on it?
Even when you’re able to pinpoint your why, it may not be what you would truly want it to be. Maybe you’ve been doing this work for a while now for the money, yet it leaves you empty every day. Or you may just not have found what fills you with a sense of purpose yet, and need to spend some time discovering it…Whatever the case may be, re-viding your why will help you put your career, and by extension your life, into the perspective needed to continue to grow and evolve as a working woman.
Fight your own mind
Too often, our minds get in the way of making any changes, even if positive, to our lives. The simple reason behind this is that our brains are wired to protect us from any discomfort or what can appear to be a threat. This is where reinventing one’s career can also turn into an exercise in fighting our own minds.
What are the negative beliefs embedded in your mind that block you from thinking about your career in a fresher way? What mindsets are standing in your way when it comes to re-inventing your career? These are the mindset and thought patterns that you may need to fight in order to re-invent your work.
Yes, you do need support!
Career reinvention can be a process that requires you to change the way you’ve not just been working, but also living. For some, it’s taking some time off from work, or take a lesser paying position, which may challenge the financial stability of the family unit. For others, it may be taking on more responsibilities and spending more time at work.
Whatever it may turn out to be, support will be needed, especially from your nearest and closest ones. Don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need as you go through this process. Use your village!
Create your own reinvention plan
Everyone’s career reinvention plan and process is different. Create your own plan to re-invent your work, according to who you are, your environment, and most important priorities. Most importantly, refrain from comparing your own transition to others’, we’re all on different paths.
But be flexible
While you may have your own plan of action when it comes to re-inventing your career, be flexible as to the methods. I had to learn to use the tools at my disposal, and be flexible as to the results and patient with outcomes. This is a marathon, not a race. It takes time to grow one’s career and transform it into its best version.
Constantly re-define success for yourself
Last but not least, define and re-define what success truly means for you when it comes to your work. Is it more flexibility? Is it a certain type and amount of responsibilities? Is it more freedom, more money or the ability to impact people? Or is it a combination of all these?
Crafting your own definition of success is important. Re-defining it as you change as a woman, an individual and a professional is even more crucial.
All in all, career re-invention for women should no longer be seen as an option for women, but rather as a necessary and exciting prospect that is part of our evolution as individuals and professionals.
How have you or how are you planning to re-invent your career?
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Dear Working Mom is our periodic love letter to working moms everywhere, tackling some of the issues we deal with as working mamas and spreading love to all working moms out there…
How many times have you looked at what other moms are doing, questioning the validity of your own parenting style? How many times have you scrolled down social media pages, wondering at the glossy pictures of impeccably organized and stylish moms, while you were still dressing straight from the laundry bag? And how many times have you fallen victim to mom-shaming, either from yourself or other mothers?
The truth is, as working moms, and as parents in general, we’re constantly doubting our mothering abilities. While society and organizations shame and punish us for being ambitious, we tend to also shame and punish ourselves for not doing it all, and doing it all perfectly. This is also what pushes us to question ourselves, our decisions as mothers and working parents, as well as each other…
In these times of pandemic and remote schooling, so many of us have questioned our instincts and decisions as to whether to send our kids back to in-person school or keep them at home. As working parents who may have to physically show up at work, the choice can be excruciating. It can also create much comparison between working moms in different situations, contexts, environments, as well as social and financial brackets. Yet another example of how so many working moms get stuck between a rock and a hard place…
As a working mom who’s had to go back to work a mere few weeks after the birth of both babies, and work outside of the home, comparison, hurtful, demeaning, and heartbreaking comparison are not foreign to me either. Like so many, it’s been, and still is at times, a struggle not to question my own parenting decisions and not to wonder how different things would have been if I had made different choices…Then I remember that as unique as my children and family are, so am I and so is my parenting style. That our kids learn and accept to be their unique selves and build their own unique life stories from our ability to learn and accept our own parenting stories…
While the self-doubt and guilt may always be there as a painful yet inherent part of our parenting, they don’t need to rob us of our joy, energy and purpose as working moms. Neither does comparing ourselves to other mothers and their own unique parenting style…There are a million ways to mother, and each one of these that is rooted in a healthy love, is as valid as the next…
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been pouring your all into being the best mom you can be since you became one. You’re still doing your absolute best, day in and day out, to be the best parent you can. And this despite the various personal, professional and social obstacles you may be facing, from juggling career and household responsibilities, to creating and maintaining a healthy and stable household for your entire family. You’ve been working at this parenting thing, not just in terms of managing every day’s life and work responsibilities, but also in terms of improving yourself. Except parenting was never meant to be a perfect science…
Along the way, you’ve faced uncertainty, even heartache, as you watch your children grow and become their own people. Your heart aches as you fear what could happen to them in this big, wide, often cruel world. You question yourself as you make each and every decision, wondering how it will affect them today, tomorrow and the days after. You deal with the overwhelming sense of guilt that comes with motherhood territory, wondering how, when, if you could do more…
As you wrestle with being your best self, taking space and going after or giving up on your ambitions, you may not be sure which path to take at times. You may be tempted to look around at what others are doing, worrying you may not measure up to the perfect mom baking sweet treats from scratch for the kids’ school fair, or the outstanding mother with the shiny career and efficient schedule, or the one with the impossibly organized home…
Truth is, parenting was never meant to be an exact science. There is no accurate, perfect recipe for growing and raising humans. There is only the will, dedication and commitment to do the best we can with what we have, right where we’re at. Sometimes your best may barely fit into your single mom’s budget, other times it may exceed it and you may have to get another job, fight for the promotion, or start the side hustle to make it work. Sometimes your best may be to let go of comparing yourself to others, release some unrealistic expectations, and be your own kind of mom. Sometimes your best may be to heal yourself, to seek therapy so you don’t pass on the same generational damages you’ve inherited yourself.
All the time, your best is what makes you no less, and no better than any other mother. Your best makes you the best mother for your child, even in the face of tough decisions and heart-wrenching choices you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
Because parenting was never meant to be an exact science, with perfect baking recipes and glossy Instagram pages. As a matter of fact, it was meant to be messy, imperfect, evolving, as anything founded in love, growth and purpose is meant to be.
So make the mistakes, enjoy the process, laugh at it, cry at it, throw yourself at it, feel good about it, don’t feel so good about it. But above all, allow it to make you and anyone else involved in this magical journey, better, stronger, fuller, of the very consciousness of Love and Life….
